Here’s a pretend interview as we are still trying on 2017:
Have you given any thought to your New Year Resolutions?
Sure have. I’m gonna improve my relationship with kale this year.
Well, I’ve been pretty merciless to that leafy cultivar in the past. And Jim Gaffigan’s material hasn’t helped a bit. So I figured I’d try to improve my relationship with kale, perhaps eat, prepare and maybe just sit beside my new furry, green friend for 7 minutes or so a day?
You haven’t been getting much sleep have you? Improving your relationship with kale?
I’m not sure what sleep has to do with it. I’ve just trying to re-think a few priorities. Maybe I haven’t given kale a fair shake.
But have you tried it? It’s kale.
What do you mean?
You’re aspiring to give 2,555 minutes worth of attention to a “vegetable” about which God himself said, “My bad” when Abraham furrowed his brow after eating a kale salad Sarah had lovingly prepared in Genesis 62?
That’s a lot of minutes with kale. And I’m not sure Genesis has 62 chapters.
Your doggone right that’s a lot of time with kale! Do you realize folks start kale recipes with qualifiers like “due to its sturdy texture and slightly bitter flavor...?”
I truly didn’t. I’m not sure I realized there were kale recipes.That’s sorta weird...
And with motivating exhortations to those who cook with kale like “don’t be intimidated?”
Why would someone be intimidated about cooking with a vegetable?
It’s kale! They make bug spray with it!
laughing uncontrollably with tears rolling down cheeks...
gasping from a belly laugh...And it’s not even an original joke.
But it’s true and it’s funny. And now you’re gasping for air.
This isn’t the kind of person I want to be. I don’t want to be a kale bully. That’s why I want to improve our relationship.
How does that goal make you feel? Does a 2017 with this foundational goal seem hopeful?
Oh. I hadn’t thought of it that way. Ouch. That smarts. I feel a pall-- a green, furry suffocating cloud of dread pressing down on me when I think about spending time with kale. Like 2017 won’t have anything to offer...this next year seems so...bleak...it feels like Donald Trump and Chris Matthews are taking turns screaming at me........starting to weep....
Why not another goal?
All the good goals have already been taken.
You didn’t seem to realize that Genesis had 62 chapters and didn’t know that patriarchal passage with the kale. Perhaps you could try Bible reading?
I am still quite positive that Genesis doesn’t have 62 chapters. And I didn’t want to say anything, but I’m pretty sure you made that bit up about Abraham and the kale salad.
Nuh-uh. My friend posted it on Spot-i-Gram. And another friend had a picture of it on her Face-tweet page.
How would she have a pic...say, maybe you should try reading the Bible yourself sometime.
But it’s too hard.
It is kind of hard. But maybe we could do it together? Maybe I could help a bit?
Yeah right. You don’t even know about Genesis 62.
I’m not sure Moses knows about it either.
Sheesh. Say, I have an idea.
There’s a first.
You’re being a pill. Never mind about that. I think we should read the Bible for seven minutes a day instead of spending that time with kale.
What’s seven minutes gonna do?
Well, I don’t know for sure but it could be pretty helpful. Better than kale at least. And I’m pretty sure in about that amount of time we could read the whole Bible in two years.
I’m not sure I could stick with that by myself.
We can do it together. Perhaps we can get a whole bunch of folks to participate at our church.
Why on earth would they listen to your suggestion?
You realize I’m the pastor there right? And we like each other, the folks in the church and I. I’d ask them if they want to do it?
Ok, Snark-o, listen, you of all people need to read the Bible. Perhaps it will take the edge off that attitude you’re developing.
Alright, alright. I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been eating so much kale and while its made me a person of more “sturdy texture,” it’s also made me “slightly bitter.”
I understand. I have been there myself. Maybe the Bible reading can soften us up a bit. Perhaps bring a little encouragement? Maybe change our perspective?
I like the sound of that. So where do we begin? Should I just start reading at the beginning of St. Nick’s epistle to the Patagonians? Or should we start somewhere more story-like, perhaps, Leviathans?
Uhhhh.... Maybe we should just use this plan here
Oh ok. And on a website...say that’s fancy, Bill Gates! But I’ll never be able to keep track of all that. It’s 2017, you know. I always read the Bible on my phone.
I’m pretty sure you’ve never read the Bible. But there is a way to keep track on your phone. Try this nifty app, The Bible Reading Log
Whoa! The Bible Reading Log. That sounds sexy.
Sheesh....You’d better start reading. I’ll read with you and try to get some others to do it too.
When do you reckon we should begin?
How about tomorrow? That’s always my favorite day to start new things.
You still gonna try that kale thing, fancy pants?
No, I’m a modest fellow. I’ll just do this Bible reading instead. I don’t have enough room in my life for the Bible and for kale.
I hear you. I hear you, indeed. No need to get overly ambitious. Thanks for the helpful idea.
Thank you for setting me free from a deadly aspiration with that leafy cultivar. Maybe this Scripture goal will be much more nutritious AND tasty!