Roy Exum: Looking For A Wife

  • Sunday, June 26, 2016
  • Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

Coeur d'Alene, Idaho, is a really cool place. I tried to buy a huge mounted buffalo head in an antique store there one time until I found out the shipping charges were four times what the head was worth. But suddenly my rapt attention is riveted on Coeur d'Alene again because a dazzling social experiment is taking place this very moment at a plush resort in north Idaho.

Several weeks ago a doting Jewish father in Beverly Hills, 78-year-old Arthur Brooks, was grieving over the fact his fine-looking son Baron, age 48, had never produced a grandson for the old man to love. So Arthur took it upon himself to buy a full-page ad in the Coeur d'Alene newspaper that shouted, “Looking For A Wife!”

Since I am dabbling around in that, too, it got my attention in a hurry. The newspaper ad instantly went viral and, oh, how I would have loved to watch yesterday’s dog-and-pony show. Forget the Ironman 70-mile triathlon that is in Coeur d'Alene today, or that the beautiful Idaho town is celebrating the opening of its first Cracker Barrel restaurant. This is about a father’s deep love for his son, despite the fact Baron freely admits he “has never been so embarrassed in my life.”

The ad states, “My name is Baron Brooks. I am 48 years old, have never been married and live in Salt Lake City. I am looking for a wife who is ready, willing and able to have children as soon as possible," it read. “I look just like my picture (prominently displayed) except I now have gray hair."

When the ad appeared the younger Brooks was mortified but then he realized his father had, without his knowledge, come up with a plan to get his son a good wife. “My father did this without my consent,” the son yelped. “What am I supposed to do? He already did it! No sense in defusing a bomb after it has already gone off.”

Describing his father as "nuts," "neurotic," “without boundaries” and "passive-aggressive," Baron told reporters his dad recently learned he has congestive heart failure and was spurred into action. "He's done some really kooky stuff," the son said, “but this one takes the cake.”

“He just does this crap. … If I shared some of the stories, you wouldn’t believe it,” said Baron, who owns two health food stores. “He just does weird stuff, and nobody knows why.”

With the father living in California and the son in Salt Lake City, why Coeur d’Alene? “Dad recently vacationed there and really liked it and the conservative views of the people there. He knew I am politically conservative, OK? Most Jewish girls are quite liberal, and that doesn’t work for me,” he told reporters. “Here you are going to get more like a Midwest type values in Idaho … somebody who is more right of center than you would find in, say, Los Angeles.”

Well, the whole thing has turned into a hoot. The 78-year-old father was conducting interviews on behalf of his son yesterday. Now Baron is more amused than mad. “What the heck … it’s worth a shot. Can’t hurt.”

Here’s what the ad specified:

* * *

ABOUT YOU -- You will probably be between the ages of 34-38 but that can be flexible. You will be attractive, being height and weight proportional. Ideally, you will have no children from previous marriages but that is also flexible.

HERE ARE THE MUSTS

• You must be willing to move to Salt Lake City as that is where my business is located.

• You must be politically conservative. This is very important to me. If you voted for Obama or plan to vote for Hillary you are not for me.

• I am 5’5” and if you are 5’8” and like to wear high heels it may not work.

• Religion is open.

• I would expect that if we have children you would be a stay at home mom.

ABOUT ME

I own two health food stores in Salt Lake City. I was born and raised in Los Angeles and moved here ten years ago for my business. I am Jewish but not very religious in a formal sense although I am spiritual. I own my own home.

I have asked my father to screen people for me. He will be at the Coeur d’Alene Resort. You may call for an interview on my behalf on Friday June 24th at 208-XXX-XXXX. When calling the Resort ask for Arthur Brooks. Interviews will take place Saturday June 25th. Please bring a short one page description, background, and a current photo.

The end of the advertisement states: This is absolutely not a scam. The person or persons selected will be given round trip air ticket as well as first class lodgings. You may bring a chaperone if you wish; mother, father, friend, etc. Their expenses will also be paid. We will go out on a dinner date and go from there.

This is a serious request. Be serious as well.

* * *

Is that neat or what? And it got me to thinking. What if my dad, who is deceased, wrote an ad for me like that? My age requirement would be different (55-to-70) and having my baby is “so yesterday.” I am more conservative than not so I'm not interested in any Hillary fan, either, but some Trump woman might be just as bad. I’d leave politics out of it. The thing that interests me is there have to be some other finalists who would much rather live in America’s best outdoor city than one with a salt lake. And high heels aren’t a problem. I’m like Baron, “It’s worth a shot.”

So if you are height and weight proportionate, drop me an email with your particulars and a current picture attached. We could meet up with Baron and his father’s choice and go out for ice cream or something. And laugh about his dad being so wonderfully and dazzlingly weird.

royexum@aol.com

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