Roy Exum: ‘Let Me Be Clear’

  • Sunday, May 29, 2016
  • Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

I have seen a lot of human beings who have gotten themselves in terrible messes in my time and more self-induced agony than I want to recall. Will Rogers famously said, “Give a man enough rope and he’ll hang himself.” That’s the truth and if you ever didn’t think that “Politics corrupts,” consider the genius behind the line, “It ain’t long those who get elected … begin to think they are the elite.”

Really, some politicians get this senseless notion they can become invisible on their whim when, in fact, there are now more cameras that study and record people in parking lots than ever before.

Our elected officials also “puff up,” pretending to be far more than they ever were before the ballot box built their new yet-unearned esteem. You show me a man who puts on airs and I’ll show you five who are trying real hard – this very second -- to pop his balloon, so allow me to give you a little primer if ever dumb becomes a reality in your life.

CRISIS RULE NO. 1 – Do not say one word. No matter how many microphones are thrust in your face, no matter what your minister says you should do, or the phonies who ride on your coat-tails demand, do not utter a word about your predicament. Talk in length about the weather, how lousy the Braves are, or anything else but on personal matters, say only “no comment” and then only if you must. The key point you must never forget is this – you can never, never be quoted on what you did not say. Henry Ford, the great auto baron, was once believed to be involved in a delicate matter and said simply, “I don’t complain and I don’t explain.”

CRISIS RULE NO. 2 – Never confirm or deny anything. The very second you say, “The allegations are totally false,” it becomes a sterling invitation to every person within the electronic means of your voice to somewhat eagerly prove you are a liar. Think about it. For every person on a pedestal, there are 50 trying to pull him down and take his place. These are life’s “bottom feeders” and anyone who has spent any time in the true media (newspapers, TV, internet) can write a book on “The Legion of the Miserable.”

CRISIS RULE NO. 3 – The second-worst sentence in America today is “Let me be clear.” President Obama, who some hold in ill regard, has absolutely ruined it. So the minute anybody else uses “Let me be clear,” it telegraphs an invisible link to POTUS, the Democratic Party and all things Nancy Pelosi that are hideously wrong. It is minutely akin to a starter’s gun and every journalist in America – liberal or conservative – will come running like Pavlov’s dogs. The very worst thing you can ever say? That would be looking at a cop through bleary eyes and spitting: “Do…you…know…who I am!”

CRISIS RULE NO. 4 – Get out of the gunfire. Issue a press briefing that for the next three weeks you’ll be part of a mission trip to Tibet. You and your family are “intent on enriching the lives of the most unfortunate people in the world and, with the Dali Llama, will be distributing vitamins to places that have no cell phone access, such cloud cover that helicopter fly-bys are impossible, and are only accessible by three days on an elephant. Oh, and if you care to know…currently in the continent of Asia there are no more elephants for rent. ‘Bear’ Bryant famously said, “It’s no use to hide…they’re gonna’ find you anyway,” but never forget that a stale biscuit ain’t nearly as tempting as a hot one.

CRISIS RULE NO. 5 – Suspend all grip-and-grins photos. With today’s Photoshop and Paintbrush ability, the haters can almost instantly turn your best intentions into your worst nightmare. Don’t think the parodies and the twisted quotes and the slime will not sprout up immediately on the Internet, so your sole salvation is to stay completely away from any computer or email device. Curiosity is not your friend; refuse to read the tripe.

CRISIS RULE NO. 6 – Smile constantly in public. Do not dare squirm because that ain’t nothing but bloody water to the sharks. If you come upon people who you are certain are talking about you, ask if you might interject their opinion on “The Sermon on the Mount.” On the other hand, people are going to stare so make it worth their while -- dress sharp and snappy.

CRISIS RULE N0. 7 – Stay off bicycles. They can hurl a rotten tomato at you if you are unable to dodge the stinking fruit so don’t get where they can hem you up. No bicycles. Your doubters can also stick a wooden spoon in your spokes at high speed. No bicycles. Instead, walk through Coolidge Park with your family, or in front of The Sunday lunch crowd at The Boathouse. Make sure you dog walks with you and if you ain’t got a dog, borrow one.

CRISIS RULE NO. 8 – Take your wife to the swankiest restaurant in town and request to sit in the middle of the room. Shower beforehand, use cologne but not too much. Face it; you gotta get her to fall in love again and a simmering wound will just fester. Show your love so she notices the other people can see it. If you see anyone in the eatery you know, speak first with a smile. Salesmanship is a key right now – be a master at it. Avoid any topic that could steer the conversation back to … er, recent events…and wonder aloud why the two of you have never been to Aspen, the West Indies, or Fiji.

CRISIS RULE NO. 9 – Take your kids to the hottest children’s movie in town. Set it up with the theater manager beforehand; five minutes before the feature stand up in the somewhat dimmed theater and shout. “Everybody to the concession stand! Get anything you want and it’s all on me!” Okay, so it might cost $500-$600 but your children will think you are Superman and what’s a few Benjamins compared to a divorce judge’s ruling. Play smart.

CRISIS RULE NO. 10 – When you’re at the golf club, pairing up for the Saturday afternoon low ball, turn to your buddies and say in a loud-enough voice, “Yeah, I was drunk =…I never get in a predicament like that again – not ever -- but I’m still a threat to take a drink.” So help me – it will never be mentioned again by those who love you most.

Be remorseful, but be yourself. No storm lasts forever. Simply endure. Good luck.

royexum@aol.com

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