Bob Payne (not really)
I owe an apology to my musically inclined friends for my absence from the music scene of late. It seems my little disc at C5 in my neck has been deteriorating and now it has kind of imploded. C5 controls your right arm and I am right handed, therefore doing most everything (including typing this) has been a challenge.
Monday, my friend The Doctor, will correct that problem with a bit of surgery, assuming he has sobered up by then. While it may seem a bit weird, they go in from the front of your neck for this operation, even though the problem is at the back of the neck on the spine.
Go figure. Supposedly they go in the front and install a little bitty car jack in there and jack up your spine parts. Then they put a donor bone in to help keep it together. (My thanks in advance for he or she that was nice enough to give me some parts)
The Doctor told me two things – one is that I will immediately feel better and the pain in my right shoulder and arm will be gone with its bad self. Two, he said he fully expects to win his court case and retain his medical license. According to him, all of those patients would have eventually died anyway and he couldn’t see how he would be to blame for that.
I do know one thing, and that is the pain saying bye-bye will be a good thing. I have had kidney stones and they don’t hold a candle to this. My new friend, a buddy called Dilaudid, helps but he makes you feel funny and do stupid things. I had to take two the other night and woke up naked in my neighbor’s wheel barrow out in the their back yard, complete with a dog collar and chain and one of those Mr. Seuss Cat in the Hat hats. I am sure there is an explanation, but for the life of me I can’t figure it out. At least this time I had a strange cat to keep me company.
The Doctor did tell me to keep a positive attitude and to think happy thoughts. When I asked him if it would be a good idea for all of the wonderful, talented, and beautiful female singers in Chattanooga to come see me at the horsepistol wearing sexy nurse outfits, he agreed 100%. (Memorial Hospital, for those that need directions) He said if I wake up during my anesthesia I might even catch him wearing one.
Because of my strange posture during this, my friends over at the Riverbend office have taken to calling me Egor, but after tomorrow they will have to come up with a new nickname, as Egor’s persona will leave the building as soon as the operation is over. I’m hoping for stud-muffin or Dixie Jr.
The Doctor says the risks are minimal for this surgery. He said he could nick my vocal chord, which may result in a much higher voice and perhaps a better singing voice. Then there is the Carotid Artery, but I think he’s going to try and miss that, too. He said that some people never wake up from anesthesia, but that seems like a pleasant way to go, so I’m not too worried about that. In any event, while he’s in the poking around, if he finds the spare key to the Prius, I hope he doesn’t steal it.
I am pretty sure all will go well, as I offered The Doctor an extra five bucks for a job well done. That is in addition to any fees he may also collect from my insurance company. Pretty strong, eh? I know he was pretty excited when I told him. He said a Cici’s Pizza could still be had for that, or even a matinee at the dollar movie.
I understand that some doctors play music in the operating room, so I hope he plays something good. Maybe some Here Come The Mummies, or Tom Jones “Delilah”. Procol Harem’s “Conquistador” would be nice. I really like Merle Haggard and that would be great. If that’s too slow, he could play Ozzy Osbourne’s “Paranoid” and that works for me.
To everyone that has had any pain at all – a migraine, kidney stones, broken bones, arthritis, etc. – I am sorry for your pain. It’s no fun and may each and every one of you feel better quickly. I mean that.
See you soon!
This column was written as a tribute to HIPAA privacy laws everywhere.
Bob Payne grew up in Chattanooga and graduated from Baylor School. He is the Entertainment Editor for the Chattanoogan.com and assistant talent buyer for Riverbend Festival. He lived a long time to a very old age – maybe 90 or 100.
Email Bob Payne at davrik2000@yahoo.com or catch him on Facebook at www.facebook.com/davrik2000.