Roy Exum
On the last Sunday before Daylight Savings Time disappears next week, let’s go to my jokes back for some grins and giggles:
* * *
An old gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son-in-law, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son-in-law. “Yes, Dad, what is it?”
“Don't be nervous son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well … if something happens to me, your mother in law is going to come and live with you.”
The surgery was a great success.
* * *
An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her hand gun, screaming at the top of her voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it!
“Get out of the car!”
The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like crazy in different directions.
The old lady somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her bags onto the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get the key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why.
A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing.
He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car-jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a shiny hand gun.
The moral of the story? If you are going to have a “senior moment,” make it a great one!
* * *
A lost dachshund strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this little guy looks edible, never seen his kind before.”
So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with roar. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea, saying loudly "Mmm...that
was some good lion meat!"
The lion abruptly stops and says "Woah! This little wiener dog seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can.”
Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can
benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return.
So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together." So they start rushing back to the dog.
The dachshund sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more.
He then gets another idea and shouts "where is that lazy monkey! I told him to bring me
another lion an hour ago!!"
* * *
Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her... what does she look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 years. old, almost six feet tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, is very buxom. She has really long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?”
To which the old guy says, “Doesn't matter, let's look for yours.”
* * *
This is an alleged transcript of a radio conversation between a US Naval ship and a Canadian Maritime officer off the coast of Newfoundland.
Americans: “Please divert your course 15 degrees North to avoid a collision.”
Canadians: “Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees South to avoid collision.”
Americans: “This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again divert your course.”
Canadians: “And I say again, you divert your course!”
Americans: “This is the Aircraft Carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees North, that's one five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.”
Canadians: “We are a lighthouse, your call.”
* * *
A hooded robber burst into a bank and, at gunpoint, forced the tellers to load their cash into a plain brown bag. As the robber approached the door, one brave customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robber's face. Without a moment's hesitation, the robber shot the customer. He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot and killed her also.
Everyone in the bank, by now horrified, stared down at the floor in silence. The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"
There was a long moment of dead silence in which everyone was terrified to speak. Then, one old guy from Alabama named Virgil cautiously raised his hand and said, "My wife got a pretty good look at you!”
* * *
One bright and beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the small town woke up early and went to the local church. Before the service started, the townspeople sat in their pews and talk about their lives and families.
Suddenly at the altar, Satan appears! Everyone starts screaming and running for the door, trampling each other in their efforts to get away from this evil spirit.
Soon, everyone has left the church, except for one man who sits calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence.
Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?"
The man says, "Of course I do."
Satan shouts, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?"
The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."
Satan perturbed says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?"
“Because l have been married to your sister for the last 35 years.”
royexum@aol.com