Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Saturday, August 5, 2017 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

My dear friend Dr. Cauley Hayes, who actually got tired of saving my life before he retired as Chattanooga’s pre-eminent hand surgeon and medical genius, gets us off to a fast start with our first August edition of "The Saturday Funnies."

This summer I’ve had a great time gathering funny stories from friends who send me delights almost every day for "The Saturday Funnies" and, while some want me to continue, I’ll need to sit down with the folks at company headquarters first.

Here are Dr. Hayes’ "Thoughts from the Shower:"

* -- If you attempt to rob a bank you won't have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years, whether or not you are successful.

* -- Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

* -- What if my dog only brings back my ball because he thinks I like throwing it?

* -- If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?

* -- Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C? Okay then, why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?

* -- Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and It just takes 75-100 years to fully work.

* -- Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty

* -- The word "swims" upside-down is still "swims."

* -- Intentionally losing a game of ‘rock, paper, scissors’ is just as hard as trying to win.

* -- 100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.

* -- Your future self is watching you right now through memories.

* -- The doctors that told Stephen Hawking he had two years to live in 1953 are probably dead.

* -- If you replace "W" with "T" in the three words -- What, Where and When, you get the answer to each of them.

* -- Many animals probably need glasses, but nobody knows it.

* -- If you rip a hole in a net, there are actually fewer holes in it than there were before.

* -- In the year 2022, if 2/2/22 falls on a Tuesday, we'll just call it "2's Day." (Incidentally, it does fall on a Tuesday!"

* * *

A WIFE CALLS HER ‘PERFECT HUSBAND

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat... It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK …. But, hey, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead but make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

Then the man turns and asks, "Anyone know who's phone this is?"

* * *

KIDS SAY THE DARNDEST THINGS

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She walked around to look at the artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I’m drawing a picture of God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like.

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

- - -

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, ‘When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.’

The teacher asked, ‘What if Jonah went to hell?’

The little girl replied, ‘Then you ask him.’

- - -

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five- and six-year-olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

- - -

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?"

- - -

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of blood.

Trying to make the matter clearer, he said, "Now class, if I stood on my head, the blood as you know, would run into it and I should turn red in the face."

"Yes, sir," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in an ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?"

Bobby shouted, "Cause your feet ain’t empty."

- - -

Children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Christian school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. Someone had written a note and placed it next to the apples. It read, "Take only one, God is watching."

Moving through the line, to the other end of the table, was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

One little boy wrote his own note and snuck it next to the cookies, "Take all you want, God is watching the apples."

* * *

BUBBA’S LAST CHILD-SUPPORT CHECK

Today is my baby girl's 18th birthday. I’ll be so glad that this be my last child support payment! Bubba remembered month after month, year after year, all those payments.

So I call my baby girl, Bathsheba, to come to my house, and when she gets there, Bubba says: "Baby girl, I want you to take this check over to your momma’s house and tell her this is the last check she ever be gettin' from Bubba, and I want you to come back and tell me the expression she had on her face."

So, Bathsheba takes the check over to her momma. Her dad was beside himself, giggling and carrying on and loving what he thinks her facial expression will reveal.

Baby girl came back and walk through the door, I say, "What happened! What did she look like?"

Bathsheba replied, "She just laughed. Then she said when you tell him he’s not your real daddy to come back and tell me what expression he had on his face."

* * *

THE MYSTERY OF THE DEAD CROWS

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A bird pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely not Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an ornithological bto determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The ornithological behaviorist, a PHd mind you, very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

The scientific conclusion was that while all the lookout crows could say "Cah", none could say "Truck."

* * *

DON’Y YOU EVER INSULT A POLICE OFFICER

So the other day I went to the supermarket, and I was there for literally 5 minutes. When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi lover. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!

So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face down on the couch ‘cause he's so ugly. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!

This went on for about 20 minutes... the more I insulted him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care.

My car was parked around the corner.

* * *

THE MAN WHO HAD TEN PEGUINS AS PETS

One day a cop pulls a van over and when he walks up to the window he sees ten penguins in the back.

The cop asks the man, "Are those your penguins?"

The man says, "Yes, they are my pets."

The cop replies to the man "You need to take them to the zoo right now."

So the man agrees and drives off. The next day the cop pulls over the same van and he walks up to the window and sees the ten penguins all wearing sunglasses.

The cop says to the man "I thought i told you to take those penguins to the zoo."

The man says "I did, today we are going to the beach!"

royexum@aol.com



An Excellent Commissioner – Greg Martin

I have had the privilege of serving with Commissioner Greg Martin for several years now.  In my opinion, he has been an excellent commissioner and has represented the people in District 3 faithfully and with integrity.  There are several characteristics which place Commissioner Martin in the “excellent” category.  First, he is regular in his attendance of Commission ... (click for more)

We Need Chip Baker

I proudly and strongly support Chip Baker for County Commissioner from District 2. Chip's business experience, his love for this community and his leadership skills make him a great choice for this position. Chip has served our community in a number of ways--his support and service to our public schools and others.  Chip will serve us in an outstanding manner.  ... (click for more)

Congressman Zach Wamp Endorses Bill Lee For Governor

Former Congressman Zach Wamp endorsed Bill Lee for governor on Monday. The endorsement from Congressman Wamp, coming after last week’s endorsement from the conservative Free Press Editorial Page at The Chattanooga Times Free Press, shows Lee has built tremendous momentum as early voting is underway right now.  “It is an honor to have the support of Congressman Zach ... (click for more)

Senator Watson And Rep. Hazlewood Ask TDOT To Move Swiftly On Highway 127 Road Project Up Signal Mountain

State Senator Bo Watson (R-Hixson) and Rep. Patsy Hazlewood (R-Signal Mountain) have asked the Tennessee Department of Transportation (TDOT) to move swiftly on the Highway 127 project leading up Signal Mountain. In a sternly-worded letter, the lawmakers asked TDOT Commissioner John Schroer to prioritize the road project due to further deterioration of the road. ... (click for more)

English, Ex-East Hamilton Coach, Hired To Lead Whites Creek Boys' Hoops Team

Rodney English, former boys’ basketball coach at East Hamilton, recently was named to a similar job at Whites Creek High School in Nashville. The move was made public Monday when English’s name appeared on the official Whites Creek school directory that is annually submitted to the Tennessee Secondary School Athletic Association. The hiring of English at Whites Creek was also ... (click for more)

UTC Chattanooga Volleyball Earns AVCA Team Award For Academic Excellence

The University of Tennessee at Chattanooga volleyball team was awarded the AVCA Team Award for Academic Excellence, the AVCA announced on Monday.   The Mocs posted a team GPA of 3.602 in the fall semester and followed that up with 3.515 in the spring. In the fall 13 student-athletes earned a spot on the Chattanooga Dean's List with 12 hitting the mark in the spring. ... (click for more)