Roy Exum
Just when you thought the weather would never break, the heat was on low this morning as Tide and I stepped from the house to study our October garden. Falling leaves and the dog’s dirty tennis balls aside, let’s praise the Lord that, as a new month dawns, we are still blessed with orchids and onions galore. The dog asks that I include the fact October is National Pet Adoption month and you are reminded to get your flu shot …. Here’s what we find:
AN ORCHID for the best sign of the month: “Pumpkin Spice Tacos Are Here! Just Kidding! Drink Tequila!”
AN ONION to the miserable fact that as of today, we have missed more than 14 inches of our average rainfall this year. What will our terrible drought do to our stunning autumn leaves?
AN ORCHID for the new book by Navy SEAL Lt. Jason Redman, “The Trident: The Forging and Reforging of a Navy SEAL Leader.” In it he describes getting shot seven times by an Al-Qaeda machine gun in the face, which led to the legendary sign he posted on his hospital door in the Bethesda Navy Hospital: “Attention to all who enter here. If you are coming into this room with sorrow or to feel sorry for my wounds, go elsewhere. The wounds I received I got in a job I love, doing it for people I love, supporting the freedom of a country I deeply love. I am incredibly tough and will make a full recovery. What is full? That is the absolute utmost physically my body has the ability to recover. Then I will push that about 20 percent further through sheer mental tenacity. This room you are about to enter is a room of fun, optimism, and intense rapid regrowth. If you are not prepared for that, go elsewhere. The Management.”
AN ONION to the “cheap seat” in the Guggenheim Museum. A solid gold toilet, worth between $1 million and $1.7 million, is “on loan” to the New York art museum by some Italian artist for the museum’s patrons to actually use but I haven’t quite figured out how security guards will monitor each proceeding. Nor have I figured out how a thief will carry it away inconspicuously.
AN ORCHID to the life of the great Chestnut Street barber Allen “Sonny” Fryar, who was indeed the Mayor of Chestnut Street when he and Claude Jared would hold forth at the Pioneer Barber Shop. They also called the site of the daily circus “The Chestnut Street Athletic Club.” Allen had a big political sign behind his chair that read, “Vote for Allen Fryar! If elected, he can be rented cheap or leased long.” Oh, what great days …
AN ONION for the new word, “Manterrupting,” which is a sexist display of male "dominance" - a trait that has not yet been lost despite decades of evolution. When men interrupt women because they "believe" that what they have to say is somehow more important. (This from the Urban Dictionary, not the debates.)
AN ORCHID for this timeless quote: “The most rewarding things you do in life are often the ones that look like they cannot be done." — Arnold Palmer
AN ONION to the unseemly death of downtown Chattanooga. Between businesses closing, no parking, aggressive beggars and criminal incidents, our gate-keepers are allowing the unfathomable to occur.
AN ORCHID for the cold alcohol wipe in a London hospital last month that an attendant used to wipe a smear from the big toe of ‘Sam’ Hennings, a pretty 22-year-old female who had been in a medically-induced coma for 19 days and was declared brain dead. With the family gathered, the doctor explained Sam, badly injured in a car wreck, would never breathe, walk, or speak again so the horrible decision was made. The attendant, in a last act of kindness, wiped off the woman’s big toe. It wiggled. Today Sam is recuperating at her parents’ home … walking, talking, breathing on her own … and add laughing.
AN ORCHID to Joe Smith, who has the courage to run as an independent for our County Commission and whose reputation just garnered endorsements from Claude Ramsey, Richard Floyd and Zach Wamp. As if that isn’t enough, Joe is bringing in a heavyweight to add to the list … that’s right: three-time heavyweight boxing champ Evander Holyfield will appear with the ever-delightful Smith at Valleybrook Golf Club on Monday from 6 p.m. until 8 p.m.
AN ONION to the fact that not until Greta Zimmer died the other day, did we ever learn the “back story” on the Second-Most-Famous Picture taken during World War II. The most famous, of course, was that of the Marines raising the flag at Iwo Jima. The second-most-famous was of a Navy Sailor kissing a nurse in New York’s Times Square that caught the joy of the entire world. Greta died last week and it was learned that she was really a dental assistant who was forced to flee the Nazis from Hungary. She never forgot the kiss. “He was kissing me, I wasn’t kissing him,” she once laughed, “After all, it wasn’t such a bad idea.” Years later she and the mystery sailor would meet with their spouses and laugh about it and that is when the sailor, George Mendonso, learned Greta would never see her parents again. Incidentally, George’s future wife – Rita -- can be seen beaming in the left of the iconic photo.
AN ORCHID to attorney Jerry Summer’s love for history and the fact he is gathering up stories on the much-beloved Stan Farmer, who was far more than a brilliant assistant football coach at Central High for many years. This was back when the ever-fearsome Pounders won darn near every game they played with Red Etter’s brilliance and Coach Farmer’s brawn. I was just a kid sports writer one day when Coach Farmer took me down by the river and he let me fire a blast with his Mafia-like Thompson sub-machine gun. If you have any Stan Farmer stories like that to share, please mail them to Jerry Summers, 735 Broad Street, Suite 800, 37402. (423)-265-2385. Trust me, there are some classic tales.
AN ONION for the sadness that comes after the ever-delightful David “Big Papi” Ortiz just played in his last regular-season game for the Red Sox last night. I’ll never forget his explaining how a batter should hit a cutter (pitch). He said he learned in his poverty days on the sandlots in the Dominican Republic. “Listen, bro: If you can hit a baby-doll head with a broomstick, you can hit an inside cutter. You don't need a batting cage in the Dominican. You just have to love the game. And you need to be able to fight off your sister when she comes looking for her baby doll."
AN ORCHID to Hamilton County District Attorney General Neal Pinkston for the scathing bullying report he and Sheriff Jim Hammond just released and for Pinkston’s no-nonsense petition to file a petition asking that two Chattanooga gangs, the Gangster Disciples and the Grape Street Crips, and their members be declared public nuisances.
AN ONION to the city of Chattanooga for not declaring the “Sky Zoo” on Lee Highway as a public nuisance after a plethora of drug-related charges and other illicit activities take place at the bar, not to mention two murders and counting.
AN ORCHID to a new feature at Erlanger Hospital that allows patients to see canceled appointments for some MDs and allows them to take the place of those unable to keep their scheduled visits. Talk about a win-win app!
AN ORCHID to the wonderful belief that when Chattanooga’s Harold Glisson died several weeks ago, this after flying Navy fighter planes in World War II, getting a degree from Auburn and serving faithfully at both TVA and the Red Bank Church of Christ, he had the world’s most fitting nickname. His buddies call him – what else! – “Nitro.”
AN ONION to the insipid progress report from the Chattanooga 2.0 education initiative that listed, among its most-urgent items, to “make reading a priority” and to “prepare children for college.” Wrote one reader: “That list was an embarrassment.....talk about stating the obvious! It would be like the Surgeon General saying Urgent health priorities...... inhaling.....exhaling.....heart beating!”
AN ORCHID for the fact that as Chattanooga celebrated the opening of a trail from the Sherman Reservation to the Pennsylvania Reservation last weekend on Missionary Ridge with a fun parade on Glass Street and people have fun in the warm sun, in New Orleans over 100 were protesting some monuments of top Civil War heroes and screaming that history should be torn down. Where do you prefer to live?
AN ONION to this item fresh from the Internet: THE HEAVIEST KNOWN ELEMENT KNOWN TO MANKIND. Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of morons promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.
When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
Happy October, everybody!
royexum@aol.com