Roy Exum
On Tuesday I spied a picture that proclaimed “The Mayors Say…It is time for a Smoke-Free Community.” Apparently the newest clown on our horizon has led a group of very knowledgeable and learned people into an ambush because even country music’s Travis Tritt can tell you this means T-R-O-U-B-L-E. You are about to mess with the wrong group of people.
The mayor of Lookout Mountain, where I live, is Carol Mutter, and the only person on Lookout Mountain who smokes in open spaces is me.
Is taking part in some do-nothing scheme some dizzy social worker thought up worth getting in a tiff with me? The truth is Carol and I are the closest of friends and I dare say the Town Commissioners are not going to fall for such ridiculousness that is pointed solely at me.
I have an office where I write my daily musings about the Market on the Mountain. I rent the space. I have also purchased three wooden rocking chairs that sit to the side of the front door. About four or five times during the day I will sit in my rocker, take several pulls off my cigar in meditation, and then go write another six or seven paragraphs. No one has ever – not once – complained of my smoke and very few light up when they join me for a chat, save town police Chief Randy Bowden. Again, as far as I know, nobody smokes outside on Lookout Mountain but me.
The cigars I puff start out at five inches long out of the cellophane and, by the end of the day, I will leave about half the same stogie unsmoked. All told I might have two cigars a day because I enjoy them, I really do, and I have friends who say the same thing when they sit on their porches at night. They calm my jangles, far better than anybody at the Chattanooga Health Department could ever equal, and to disallow what I do in open air is, I believe, a violation of my personal freedoms. (I’ll have to check with Mayor Mutter, who is a lawyer, but I’m pretty sure that's the way the cases have ruled.)
Understand, I never smoke in any building. I obey laws about restaurants, motels or any business that disallows smoking, like Erlanger Hospital, for instance. But somebody with no common sense at all wants to prohibit what I do in open air? That’s about as un-American as the ISIS flag, even though you can buy one of the repugnant things on Amazon. Why? This is the land of the free.
The biggest issue, which the 11 community mayors should have thought about before they were suckered into the latest photo-op, is that no governing body in the history of America has ever been successful at legislating morality. You can’t legally punish a habit. Prohibition didn’t work. There are more illegal drugs in America today than at any other time in history. The marijuana fanatics might as well go ahead and give up, and, if you still believe posted speed limits work, take a drive to Atlanta and back.
Sure, alcoholism is a horrible drain on our society, street drugs will kill you, “mary jane” will make you go to jail and speeding is dangerous. But does County Mayor Jim Coppinger truly believe that foisting his prejudices on those who smoke is going to make them stop?
Does East Ridge Mayor Brent Lambert not know that if he angrily confronts a smoker in front of “his” Superior Creek Lodge he most surely will get his tail tucked between his legs? And I know Soddy Daisy Mayor Rick Nunley should tread very softly if he acts proper and pious in the parking lot at Mary’s Lounge or Charlie’s, believe you me.
Talk about hypocrites. Not one of the 11 mayors in the photograph had any business taking part in what is an affront to any citizen who enjoys a smoke. No matter the statistics, no matter the warnings on every cigarette package, no matter the pleadings of local physicians – these people are clearly infringing on the very rights of those who choose to smoke and who voted them into office. What could be more stupid for somebody who begs for “your support?”
What about “my support?” It was the great writer Rudyard Kipling who once penned, “A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke.” That’s how I feel. I choose a little nicotine over “reefer” or unnecessary prescription pills or a dose of heroin. That’s my choice. So who is not going to give me the freedom to enjoy a cigar walking down the sidewalk?
I am neither trying to be haughty nor confrontational, but I’ve been standing up for those who I feel are being unfairly targeted or persecuted all of my life. I have a pretty good batting average at it so which one of this community’s 11 mayors believes outlawing smoking in open spaces is more important than leaving good and decent people alone who happen to enjoy a puff or two?
Why pick a fight when every last one of those pictured in the health department propaganda has an ample number of headaches to challenge already? Heed my words, it ain’t gonna’ work because it never has in the history of America. The whole idea is nutty.
Tell the fruitcake who dreamed this up that the Hamilton County Health Department, which most people don’t know even exists, will do much more for humanity by giving flu shots to the homeless than egging on a slugfest between you and me. Trust me, the Hamilton County Health Department can’t get you one vote in any ballot box, but I can get a bunch to change their mind.
To those who got their ego stroked by being in a terribly ill-advised photograph, kindly thank the trouble-makers for their time and issue some toothless proclamation that smoking is dangerous. But, I promise, if some further fools start issuing summones and enforcing any ridiculous open-air smoking decree with fines or punishments against their very neighbors, that’s when the real and genuine t-r-o-u-b-l-e will start.
If any mayor in this area proposes a ban on open-air smoking, and if your commissioners are stupid enough to pass it … just this: I want to oblige you so please start with me. Arrest me first. Put me in jail. Please. I’ll bring my cigar and you bring your shackles. I don’t want to fight, but, if I must, please know two things: You will not win. Secondly, you will accuse me of not fighting fair, but the truth is there are no rules, no time limits, no time-outs when I believe you are persecuting any man, woman or child.
This way we will all find out how your personal prejudice against your voters’ personal habits works out for you and, candidly, I don’t like your side of it. Any politician, elected by smokers and non-smokers alike, who wantonly starts a fight for just one side of his or her constituents is two things: nuts, and a loser in any election. I believe I can prove it.
royexum@aol.com