Roy Exum
On a day when a good laugh will hopefully warm one’s soul, allow me to tell you a person who is a “lexophile” is one who loves words, or somebody who derives pleasure from words. Not long ago I received a list of puns, which is a play on words, and quickly became intrigued by some clever ones:
1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
2. A will is a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
4.
A backward poet writes inverse.
5. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
6. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
7. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
8. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
9. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
10. A calendar's days are numbered.
11. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
12. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
13. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.
14. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
15. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
16. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
17. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
18. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
19. Acupuncture: a jab well done. (That’s the point.)
20. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of defeat.
21. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
22. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
23. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
24. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
25. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
26. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
27. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
28. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
29. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
30. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
31. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
32. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said 'No change yet.'
33. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
34. Don't join dangerous cults: practice safe sects.
35. Police were called to a day care, where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
36. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
37. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
38. When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
39. A thief who stole a calendar… got twelve months.
40. A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
41. Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
42. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U. C. L. A.
43. The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
44. The professor discovered that his theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
45. The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
46. If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
47. A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
48. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.
49. If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
50. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
51. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat miner.
52. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France and resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
53. You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
54. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
55. A calendar’s days are numbered.
56. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
57. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
58. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
59. A lot of money is tainted: ‘Taint yours, and ‘taint mine.
60. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
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And my favorite because of my Southern accent? Khakis: What you need to start the car in Boston.
royexum@aol.com