Roy Exum: The Sunday Funnies

Sunday, October 12, 2014
Roy Exum

Roy Exum

It has been a week since the Ole Miss football team upset Alabama and, in case you missed it, the fans tore down the goalposts in a fabulous frenzy of postgame fun. The Southeastern Conference, not amused, fined Ole Miss $50,000 for rushing the field and to replace the goal posts cost another $22,000. Further, there was a $3,000 cost to repair the field.

So somebody got the idea that any fan who would give $5.00 to offset the “cost of winning” would receive an autographed thank-you note from athletic director Ross Bjork. A $1,000 gift would include a 6-inch piece of the historic goal post and a $500 donation would get a three-inch slice of the upright.

The pieces of the goalpost sold immediately and, as of 9 o’clock on Wednesday, Ole Miss fans had given a total of $92,433 to the emergency fund. I think that’s wonderfully funny so, as I enjoy a blissful Saturday, here are some other Sunday Funnies:

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MAKES SENSE TO ME

A Yankee was in Florida when he asked a Southern charter-boat captain, “Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

To which the captain lazily replied, “They have to go backwards. If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat."

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THE OLD TESTAMENT VERSION

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known.

He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are." And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

And maybe that’s how it all started.

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FROM THE FLIGHT TOWER

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer, you must speak in English.

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

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THE MEDICAL EXAM

I recently had my annual medical checkup and after exhaustive lab tests the doctor said I was doing fairly well “for my age.” A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him “Do you think I’ll live to be 85?”

He asked: “Do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine or hard liquor ?”
Me: “Oh no, and I don’t do drugs either”
Dr: “Do you eat rib-eye steaks or barbequed ribs?”
Me: “Hardly ever. I know that red meat is bad for you”
Dr: “Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, fishing, sailing hiking or skiing?’
Me: “No I don’t”
Dr: “Do you have lots of sex?”
Me: “Not nearly as much as I would like to”
Dr: “Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or go out partying?”
Me: Never
The doctor looked at me and said: “Then why do you want to live to 85?”

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A BIBLICAL MIRACLE

According to the Bible, Jesus was born in Bethlehem in Palestine. A country where people are called Mohammed, Abdul, Mounir, Aziz, Ahmed, Farid, Omar, Youssouf, Mouloud, etc.

And He managed to find 12 friends called John, Peter, Paul, Phillip, Mark, Thomas, Luke, Mathew, Andrew and Simon … who all drank wine!!

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WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN WIVES

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog’s parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they’re ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you’re drunk.

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, “If I died, would you get another dog?”