Roy Exum: Why We Need ‘Man Laws’

When you live as long as I have and have been to some of the places I have been, you learn what has been called for ages “the rules of the road.” For example, if you are in a distant city and see a male friend in a bar with a female who you know is not his girlfriend, that man immediately becomes “invisible” and you leave immediately rather than embarrass him.

There are many “rules of the road,” such as a gentleman should never, ever discuss past girlfriends or wives with one another, compare bank accounts, or willfully engage in any sucker bet.

There is an unwritten code of conduct that you learn early in life and embrace forever. But as I grow older and watch a younger generation of fools, I worry as I see some who are playing loose with the rules.

Not long ago I was talking to the son of a dear friend and he, a college student, informed me that he had a written list of the “Man Laws” that everybody in his fraternity was required to learn. After some urging, he sent me a copy and, I’ll declare, these kids now coming along may have a chance after all.

Here are some of the more suitable “Man Laws” that our college boys are learning today:

-- If your best friend is dumped by a girl it is a six-month waiting period til she can be touched. If he breaks up with her, it’s a six-day waiting period.

-- No one should ever steal a man's alcohol from that man's cooler...this is the only law that suffers the penalty of death.

-- When a man is borrowing a buddy's tool or other equipment, if the borrower puts any scratches or brings it back with any noticeable wear, then he is required to do one of the following: If the item costs under 50 bucks, you are required to replace it. If the item costs over 50 bucks, you are required to give him a case of beer, because, hey...who wants to spend more than 50 bucks on something that isn't yours.

-- When toasting with beers you clank with the bottom.

-- All men must eat meat. A lot of meat. If not borderline carnivore. For no reason should a man ever be a vegetarian, or eat sick stuff like tofu. Also no man should consume any food with the terms "diet", "fat free", or any other healthy suggesting terms for the sake of "watching his weight" or dieting.

-- Every man is required to learn some form of poker before he dies.

-- If a man ever does something wrong a simple "Oops!", "My Bad", or any variations of cuss words that get the point across will suffice, no need to say "I'm sorry."

-- Every man should watch ESPN (SportsCenter) at least once a day, though multiple viewings are recommended so that one can hold his own in any debate on sports that may arise that day.

-- Under no circumstances shall any man lay a hand on a female or a child in violence. Punishment for the attacking male is that if other men see the assault taking place, they having the right to take him out back behind a building and show him how to fight with real men. In this situation more than one man may be used in the attacking of said woman-beater because he clearly doesn’t mind an unfair fight seeing as he was hitting a lady or a child to begin with. A call to the police is a very last resort and should only be used if said male is over 6' 5" 250-pounds or a UFC cage fighter.

-- No man shall ever watch a soap opera ever! Period!

-- Any man that is old enough and is not in the Army should at least support the troops; even if you don’t agree with the war they are your countrymen fighting to protect you and you should show them your support.

-- If you take beer to a party ‘the tuck rule’ is in play -- when leaving, you may take one beer max, but only if the beer will fit in your pocket.

-- Do not have a conversation in a rest room.

-- No man, under any circumstance, shall use lip balm.

-- No man shall ever own a dog smaller than a housecat.

-- If you spill a man’s beer, you buy the next round or refill the cup.

-- Always accept beer from a stranger, but only if unopened/capped.

-- No man may ever sell a beer to a friend. It’s understood that said friend will repay beer with beer later. Under no circumstance may the replacement beer be of a lesser quality.

-- No man shall dance for fun unless it’s to increase his chances with a member of the opposite sex.

-- If you do not sweat, it’s not a sport.

-- If a large snake catches a man off guard and bites, said man is allowed to scream once.

-- Men are allowed to lick the plate when done but only when alone or with other men.

-- A man should be able to determine a diesel engine by sound alone.

-- A man should be able to lucidly explain the rules of one or more of the following sports: Football (not the European kind), Baseball, Lacrosse, or Ice Hockey.

-- The dressing of any pet for any reason is not acceptable ... any garment that is not a part of the animal shall not be allowed to be attached to that animal ... exceptions are collars, leashes, etc. Another exception to this rule is monkeys.

-- Under no circumstances shall any man drink wine cooler...ever...unless beer or liquor is completely unattainable. This includes anything (non liquor) fruit flavored that comes in a bottle.

-- No man, under any circumstances, should have to explain the use of a power tool to another man.

--  No man shall ever read an instructional manual. If the man does not know how to use the item trial and error shall be used until the correct function is determined.

-- When questioned by a friend's girlfriend, you need not and should not provide any information as to his whereabouts. You are even permitted to deny his very existence.

-- Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 24 hours.

-- A friend must be permitted to borrow anything you own -- grill, car, first-born child -- within 12-hours notice. Women or anything considered "lucky" are not applicable in this case.

-- You must offer heart-felt condolences over the death of a girlfriend’s cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.

-- When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask whose playing. You should know such things.

-- Everybody is Irish on St. Patrick’s Day. And as such said people must consume alcohol on St. Patrick’s Day. Green and/or gold body paint may be worn, but no glitter.

Don’t you see? Our young men are going to turn out just fine.

royexum@aol.com