Roy Exum: My Mischief And Musings

Tuesday, November 20, 2012 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

As I search high and low for the scribbled notes, crumpled cards and lost reminders of why I am thankful, here are some other tidbits that I have meant to pass along:

A FORD DEALER IN NEW YORK writes on Facebook, “One of my salesmen here had a woman in his office yesterday wanting to lease a brand new Focus. As he was reviewing her credit application with her he noticed she was on Social Security disability. He said to her you don't look like you're disabled and unable to work. She said well I'm really not. I could work if I wanted to, but I make more now than I did when I was working and got hurt (non-disabling injury). She said the gov't sends her $1,500.00 a month in one check. And she gets $700.00 a month on an EBT card (food stamps), and $800.00 a month for rent. Oh yeah, and 250 minutes free on her phone. That is just south of $3,500.00 a month. When she was working, she was taking home about $330.00 per week.

“Do the math and then ask yourself why the (heck) should she go back to work. If you multiply that by millions of people, you start to realize the scope of the problem we face as a country. Once the socialists have 51% of the population in that same scenario, we are finished. The question is when do we cross that threshold if we haven't already, and there are not enough people working to pay enough taxes to support the non-working people? Riots?? Be prepared to protect your homes. She didn't lease the Focus here because the dealer down the road beat our deal by $10.00/month. Glad to know she is so frugal with her hard-earned money."

DON’T BE SURPRISED if Vanderbilt football coach James Franklin isn’t named as the SEC “Coach of the Year.” He’s on track to win eight games with a victory at lightly-regarded Wake Forest this Saturday. First-year coach Kevin Sumlin has done wonders at Texas A&M, while Alabama’s Nick Saban, Georgia’s Mark Richt and Florida’s Will Muschamp could each be 11-1 by Sunday, but what Franklin has done this fall is nothing short of a miracle.

AT A HORSE SHOW in Shelbyville this weekend, it has been reported a metal band holding the loathsome stacks on a Tennessee Walking Horse was affixed so tightly the animal’s hoof came flying off as it tried to perform. Witnesses said it was real bloody and the animal was finally taken to a horse trailer. If anyone in America doesn’t think that is sick and disgusting, they are crazy. And the question persists – why wasn’t the sheriff called?

THE WINNINGEST COLLEGE COACH in the history of football just resigned and what a ride it has been for 86-year-old John Gagliardi. He was head coach at tiny St. John’s in Minnesota – a Division III school – and in his 64-year tenure his Johnnies won four national titles while amassing a 489-138-11 record for a 77.5 winning percentage. Get this: he didn’t allow lengthy calisthenics, tackling during practice, whistles or wind sprints and made his players call him “John.” Eddie Robinson of Grambling is the winningest BCS coach of all time with a record of 408-165-14 and the coach with the most wins who is still active is 63-year-old Larry  Kehres at the tiny University of Mount Union in Alliance, Ohio; his 327-24-3 record carries a winning percentage of .928, the highest in college football history.

ON A COLD WINTER morning, a wife texts her husband, “Windows frozen." Her husband texts back: 
"Pour some lukewarm water over it." The wife texts back five minutes later: "Computer really screwed up now."

I CAN’T CONFIRM this but am told in a fairly recent interview, General Norman Schwarzkopf was asked if he thought there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harbored and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America. The General answered, "I believe that forgiving them is God's function... Our job is to arrange the meeting."

LANCE GILMAN WON his County Commissioner’s race in Storey County, Nevada by a hefty margin, which was intriguing because he owns and operates a very famous brothel known as the Mustang Ranch. Prostitution is legal in 10 counties in Nevada, where there are now two dozen such establishments. Nonetheless, Lance claims he is a “dyed in the wool” Republican who loves American values.”  For the record, “values” at Mustang Ranch begin at about $350 per hour.

A CRAIGSLIST AD just published in California reads, “I need a mad scientist to clone a dog. It is the best dog in the universe and there should be 2 or more if it in existence. I have 60 dollars. Thank you. No flakes. P.S. $50 Bonus if you can make it speak English and Japanese.

A NEWSPAPER RANT in Washington State, where voters just voted to legalize marijuana and same-sex marriage, tells us, “Now I understand what the Bible means in Leviticus 20:13 – “If a man lies with another man he should be stoned.” (Why do I think that’s funny?)

THE GUYANESE GENIUS -- No dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. However, in a recent linguistic conference held in London, England, and attended by some of the best linguists in the world: Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was the clear winner. His final challenge was this: Some say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. Please explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand. Here is his astute answer: "When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. But, when you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!" His answer was received with a standing ovation lasting over 5 minutes and it entitled him to receive an invitation to dine with the Queen, who decided to call him after the contest. He won a trip to travel around the world in style and a case of 25-year-old Eldorado rum for his answer.

royexum@aol.com


Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Okay … here we go. A number of readers have complained that I haven’t shared any jokes that my friends send to my email address so on a weekend when our Volunteers and Mocs are idle, let’s laugh a little:   I was sitting in a bar one afternoon with an old friend knocking back a few beers when he said, "You know, if we're not careful we'll end up like those two old drunks ... (click for more)

Roy Exum: Troubling Jameis Winston

One of the greatest things about the American legal system is that each and every crime is judged on its own merits. Just because Arizona Cardinals running back Jonathan Dwyer and Carolina Panthers defensive end Greg Hardy were each arrested for domestic abuse earlier this week, each National Football League football hero will be given an independent hearing and trial, if need be, ... (click for more)

Man Charged With Killing 3-Year-Old Takes Own Life In County Jail

Justin Dale Bradley died in the Hamilton County jail Saturday morning. Notification was received from the Hamilton County 911 Center at   12:50 a.m. ,   regarding an inmate found unresponsive.   Jail personnel found the male inmate unresponsive in his cell and initiated C.P.R. while notifying Hamilton County Emergency Medical Services. ... (click for more)

Democratic Chairman Roy Herron Announces He Will Not Run For 2nd Term

Democratic Party Chairman Roy Herron announced Saturday at a meeting of the Tennessee Democratic Party State Executive Committee that he would not be seeking a second term as party chairman. “I have been blessed to serve as chairman these past two years, and I owe an enormous debt of gratitude to all of the executive committee members, party officials, staff members, and friends ... (click for more)

McCallie Beats Baylor In Tennessee Classic Silver Division

NASHVILLE – Reed Oscar was the overall winner in 16 minutes, 49 seconds and teammate Dylan Carmack finished fifth overall in 17 minutes, 13 seconds to lead the McCallie Blue Tornado cross country team to a first-place finish in the Silver division of the Tennessee Classic, which was held here at Percy Warner Park Saturday morning. Teammates Connor Smith and Kevin Wagoner finished ... (click for more)

Chattanooga Golf Team Second At Wolf Run Intercollegiate

The Chattanooga Mocs men’s golf team is tied for second after 18 holes at the Wolf Run Intercollegiate. The Mocs and Florida Gators each shot 295 over the opening 18 to trail Illinois by 11 at 285 at Wolf Run Golf Club. The day’s docket had a scheduled 36 holes. Afternoon storms sent teams from the course prior to finishing. The remaining holes will be completed starting at 9:30 ... (click for more)