Roy Exum: My Mischief And Musings

Tuesday, November 20, 2012 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

As I search high and low for the scribbled notes, crumpled cards and lost reminders of why I am thankful, here are some other tidbits that I have meant to pass along:

A FORD DEALER IN NEW YORK writes on Facebook, “One of my salesmen here had a woman in his office yesterday wanting to lease a brand new Focus. As he was reviewing her credit application with her he noticed she was on Social Security disability. He said to her you don't look like you're disabled and unable to work. She said well I'm really not. I could work if I wanted to, but I make more now than I did when I was working and got hurt (non-disabling injury). She said the gov't sends her $1,500.00 a month in one check. And she gets $700.00 a month on an EBT card (food stamps), and $800.00 a month for rent. Oh yeah, and 250 minutes free on her phone. That is just south of $3,500.00 a month. When she was working, she was taking home about $330.00 per week.

“Do the math and then ask yourself why the (heck) should she go back to work. If you multiply that by millions of people, you start to realize the scope of the problem we face as a country. Once the socialists have 51% of the population in that same scenario, we are finished. The question is when do we cross that threshold if we haven't already, and there are not enough people working to pay enough taxes to support the non-working people? Riots?? Be prepared to protect your homes. She didn't lease the Focus here because the dealer down the road beat our deal by $10.00/month. Glad to know she is so frugal with her hard-earned money."

DON’T BE SURPRISED if Vanderbilt football coach James Franklin isn’t named as the SEC “Coach of the Year.” He’s on track to win eight games with a victory at lightly-regarded Wake Forest this Saturday. First-year coach Kevin Sumlin has done wonders at Texas A&M, while Alabama’s Nick Saban, Georgia’s Mark Richt and Florida’s Will Muschamp could each be 11-1 by Sunday, but what Franklin has done this fall is nothing short of a miracle.

AT A HORSE SHOW in Shelbyville this weekend, it has been reported a metal band holding the loathsome stacks on a Tennessee Walking Horse was affixed so tightly the animal’s hoof came flying off as it tried to perform. Witnesses said it was real bloody and the animal was finally taken to a horse trailer. If anyone in America doesn’t think that is sick and disgusting, they are crazy. And the question persists – why wasn’t the sheriff called?

THE WINNINGEST COLLEGE COACH in the history of football just resigned and what a ride it has been for 86-year-old John Gagliardi. He was head coach at tiny St. John’s in Minnesota – a Division III school – and in his 64-year tenure his Johnnies won four national titles while amassing a 489-138-11 record for a 77.5 winning percentage. Get this: he didn’t allow lengthy calisthenics, tackling during practice, whistles or wind sprints and made his players call him “John.” Eddie Robinson of Grambling is the winningest BCS coach of all time with a record of 408-165-14 and the coach with the most wins who is still active is 63-year-old Larry  Kehres at the tiny University of Mount Union in Alliance, Ohio; his 327-24-3 record carries a winning percentage of .928, the highest in college football history.

ON A COLD WINTER morning, a wife texts her husband, “Windows frozen." Her husband texts back: 
"Pour some lukewarm water over it." The wife texts back five minutes later: "Computer really screwed up now."

I CAN’T CONFIRM this but am told in a fairly recent interview, General Norman Schwarzkopf was asked if he thought there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harbored and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America. The General answered, "I believe that forgiving them is God's function... Our job is to arrange the meeting."

LANCE GILMAN WON his County Commissioner’s race in Storey County, Nevada by a hefty margin, which was intriguing because he owns and operates a very famous brothel known as the Mustang Ranch. Prostitution is legal in 10 counties in Nevada, where there are now two dozen such establishments. Nonetheless, Lance claims he is a “dyed in the wool” Republican who loves American values.”  For the record, “values” at Mustang Ranch begin at about $350 per hour.

A CRAIGSLIST AD just published in California reads, “I need a mad scientist to clone a dog. It is the best dog in the universe and there should be 2 or more if it in existence. I have 60 dollars. Thank you. No flakes. P.S. $50 Bonus if you can make it speak English and Japanese.

A NEWSPAPER RANT in Washington State, where voters just voted to legalize marijuana and same-sex marriage, tells us, “Now I understand what the Bible means in Leviticus 20:13 – “If a man lies with another man he should be stoned.” (Why do I think that’s funny?)

THE GUYANESE GENIUS -- No dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. However, in a recent linguistic conference held in London, England, and attended by some of the best linguists in the world: Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was the clear winner. His final challenge was this: Some say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. Please explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand. Here is his astute answer: "When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. But, when you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!" His answer was received with a standing ovation lasting over 5 minutes and it entitled him to receive an invitation to dine with the Queen, who decided to call him after the contest. He won a trip to travel around the world in style and a case of 25-year-old Eldorado rum for his answer.

royexum@aol.com


Kudos To Sheriff Watson

Thank you for doing what you promised, Sheriff Watson.  And a special thank you to all those that work for you and have "lowered the boom" on crime here in Bradley County. You are the talk of the town; everywhere I went today I could hear your name spoken in very positive ways and it made me proud that I voted.     It's refreshing to have someone in office ... (click for more)

Sacrifice Saturday

I am personally inviting all to Sacrifice Saturday, Nov. 1,  at the 100 block of W. 38th Street.   I know we are all very busy. When Abraham was asked to sacrifice his son, not only was he willing, but his son was willing to be sacrificed. What are we willing to sacrifice today in order for our sons and daughters to live?   We are losing them ... (click for more)

Downtown Chattanooga Apartment Complex Fetches $15 Million

Walnut Commons, the first downtown apartment complex built in many years, sold for $15 million, one of the developers said. John Clark said the initial estimate on the project was $11 million and it wound up costing around $12 million to build. "We're very pleased with the sale," he said. Mr. Clark, along with partners David Hudson and Bob McKenzie, are selling their stock ... (click for more)

Hamilton County Principal Ronald Hughes Named Tennessee's 2014-15 Principal Of The Year

A Hamilton County elementary school principal and an Anderson County supervisor have earned top honors for their work in Tennessee education. Ronald Hughes, principal of Apison Elementary School in Chattanooga, was named Tennessee’s 2014-15 Principal of the Year. He has served as principal at Apison Elementary for the past six years, and spent three decades working in Tennessee ... (click for more)

Notre Dame Soccer Advance to A-AA State Semis

MURFREESBORO - Juniors Sofia Olenchek and Emma Higgins scored two goals each to lead Notre Dame to a 4-0 victory against No.14 Spring Hill here Wednesday night in a TSSAA A-AA State Girls Quarterfinals at the Richard Siegel Soccer Complex. The win advances unranked Notre Dame (11-5-4) to the state semis against Jackson Christian Thursday at 5 p.m. EDT. No.6 Jackson Christian ... (click for more)

CCS Soccer Wins 1-0; Advances to State Semis

MURFREESBORO - Freshman striker Olivia Hoffman was in the right place at the right time as her goal in the 26th minute proved to be the match winner as No.25 Chattanooga Christian defeated No. 8 Hume Fogg, 1-0, here Wednesday in a TSSAA A-AA State Girls Soccer Quarterfinal at Richard Siegel Soccer Complex. "The ball bounced off a couple of players and I was able to put it in ... (click for more)