Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

Friday, February 16, 2018 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

It wasn’t lost on me that during Valentine Week, when we most remember those we love, this first story was included in my weekly email. As has become my habit, every Saturday I try to come up with a new edition of The Saturday Funnies because I get some delightful ones that are shared by my friends during the week. We must never waste a giggle.

So in keeping with my disclaimer than I didn’t write a one of these, here are this week’s Saturday Funnies that I’ve been able to save:

Many years ago, a newlywed young man was sitting on a couch on a hot, humid day, sipping frozen juice during a visit to his father. As he talked about adult life, marriage, responsibilities, and obligations, the father thoughtfully stirred the ice cubes in his glass and cast a clear, sober look on his son.

"Never forget your friends," he advised, "they will become more important as you get older."

"Regardless of how much you love your family and the children you happen to have, you will always need friends. Remember to go out with them occasionally, do activities with them … call them."

"What strange advice!" The young man thought. "I just entered the married world, I am an adult and surely my wife and the family that we will start will be everything I need to make sense of my life."

Yet he obeyed his father; kept in touch with his friends and annually increased their number. Over the years, he became aware that his father knew what he was talking about. In as much as time and nature carry out their designs and mysteries on a man, friends were the bulwarks of his life.

After 60 years of life, here is what he learned:

Time passes goes on.

The distance separates.

Children grow up.

Children cease to be children and become independent. And to the parents it breaks the heart but the children are separate of the parents.

Grandchildren too grow up and begin busy lives with little time to spend with the older generation.

Jobs come and go.

Illusions, desires, attraction, sex ... they all weaken. People do not do what they should do.

The heart breaks.

Parents die.

Colleagues forget the favors.

The long, long races are over. But, true friends are always there, no matter how long or how many miles away they may be. A friend is never more distant than the reach of a phone, or a need, barring you, intervening in your favor, waiting for you with open arms or blessing your life.

When we started this adventure called LIFE, we did not know of the incredible joys or sorrows that were ahead. We did not know how much we would need from each other.

Love your parents, take care of your children, but … always … keep a group of good friends.

* * *


"America will never be destroyed from the outside. If we falter and lose our freedoms, it will be because we destroyed ourselves."

* * *


Let me tell you friends that one simple spelling mistake--even a typo—can make your life the devil.

I recently texted a short, romantic note to my wife while I was away on a golf trip, and I missed one small "e".

No problem you might say. Not so.

This tiny error has caused me to seek police protection to enter my own house.

I wrote, "Hi darling, I’m enjoying and experiencing the best time of my whole life, and I wish you were her.”

* * *


I have no idea which of these similar statements came first:

“The world owes you nothing. It was here first.” -- Mark Twain

“A man said to the universe: ‘Sir, I exist!’ Replied the universe, ‘However, the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation.” -- Stephen Crane

Both are worth remembering. And both remind me of the fellow who said, "A boy gets to be about fifteen years old and begins to smell himself, and thinks he's somebody."

* * *


Donald is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.

A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would-be assassin and he is captured.

Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, “What in the heck made you shout Mickey Mouse?”

Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout “Donald duck!”

* * *


President Trump invited the Pope for lunch on his mega yacht. The Pope accepted and during lunch a puff of wind blew the Pontiff's hat off, right into the water. It floated off about 50 feet, then the wind died down and it just floated in place.

The crew and the Secret Service were scrambling to launch a boat to go get it, when Trump waved them off, saying, "Never mind boys, I'll get it."

Then Donald climbed over the side of the yacht, walked on the water to the hat, picked it up, walked back on the water, climbed into the yacht, and handed the Pope his hat.

The crew was speechless. The security team and the Pope's entourage were speechless. No one knew what to say, not even the Pope.

But that afternoon, ABC, BBC, CBS, NBC, CNN, and MSNBC all reported: "TRUMP CAN'T SWIM!"

* * *


When the only valentine card you get comes in the mail and is addressed to – “Occupant.”

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