Roy Exum
My ‘morning reading’ was no different on Tuesday than any other day but, obviously there was a lot of Valentine’s this-and-that about everywhere you looked. NBC.com had a feature about Valentine’s Day rip-offs – with $18 billion (with a ‘b’) in play this year the slicks are out there. But it was the headline that caught my eye and, through the middle of February, it is far and away the best I’ve seen this year: “How Not To Get Screwed On Valentine’s Day.”
Boy oh boy, I know some guys who are “world class” at that, if you’ll pardon the “double entendre.” Research tells us the easiest way to pitch a shut-out is by giving your girl real uncomfortable lingerie. Apparently there are a lot of us lacking tact because – this just in – there are more single adults in the United States than married couple. For the first time since 1492, there are more people over the age of 18 who are single than not.
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DO NOT USE ‘TINDER’ TO FIND A VALENTINE
Alisa Hrustic, writing for “Men’s Health” on Valentine’s Day, asked a 27-year-old, Erica, about her worst Valentine’s date and here’s what tumbled out of her mouth: “Last year, I met someone on Tinder who I thought was pretty cool and it just so happened that our first date was to be on Valentine’s Day. I was super excited because we were going to this new restaurant in my neighborhood that I had been dying to try. We were to meet there at 8 p.m. I got dressed up for the first time in ages and drove to the restaurant. He had made reservations under his name and so the hostess walked me over to our table. When I got there, a woman was already sitting at the table. I looked at the hostess with confusion and asked her if she was sure that this was our table. She smiled, nodded, and walked away. Turns out my Tinder date had a wife. She found out about the date he had set up and came in his place instead. Needless to say, I will never use Tinder ever again.
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MARCH 8TH WILL BE ANOTHER TOUGH DAY
It has just been announced that most men will be out of luck again on Wednesday, March 8. The organizers of the Women’s March, where perfectly sane women hold up signs that are so vulgar you wonder how they explain RESIST to their daughters, will hold “A Day Without Women.” The leaders say it will be a “general strike” and on the Facebook page it explains:
“In the spirit of women and their allies coming together for love and liberation, we offer ‘A Day Without A Woman.’ We ask: do businesses support our communities, or do they drain our communities? Do they strive for gender equity or do they support the policies of leaders that perpetuate oppression? Do they align with sustainable environment or do they profit off destruction and steal the futures of our children?”
Far be it for me to offer any answers but when the above paragraph makes its way into the corporate board rooms of America, any “activists” need make sure they took a sick day.
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MEMPHIS AND ITS GANGLAND FUNERALS
The R. Bernard Funeral Home in Memphis knows that rival gangs sometimes include lifelong friends so Ryan Bernard has come up with a drive-through viewing area where the deceased will be on display behind bullet-proof glass. The funeral parlor also offers live-stream viewing of final rites for those who are scared or out of town. The idea came from Robert L. Adams Funeral Home in Compton, Calif., and funeral homes in high risk areas of New Orleans, Detroit and Chicago are also following suite, so to speak.
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HILLARY’s “3-0” VERSUS KELLYANNE’S COMEBACK
Just hours after the three-judge panel for the 9th Circuit Court Of Appeals unanimously voted to halt President Donald Trump’s Executive Order on immigrants and refugees, presidential First-Runner-Up Hillary Clinton was so beside herself she Tweeted a simple “3-0” for all to see, In short order outspoken Trump aide Kellyanne Conway blasted back: “PA, WI, MI” – the former blue states that gave Trump the 46 surprise electoral votes to put him in The White House.”
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WHY WE MUST NEVER UNDER-VALUE A UNITED STATES MARINE
The Department of the Navy is now assigning females to quarters in a separate, private OFF LIMITS area on all aircraft carriers.
Addressing all boat personnel at Pearl Harbor, CINCPAC advised, "The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $50 the first time."
He continued, " Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $150. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $500. Are there any questions?"
At this point, a Marine Gunnery Sergeant , from the security detail assigned to the ship, stood up in the crowd and inquired: "How much for a season pass?"
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BUMPER STICKER: “Sneaking Into A Country Doesn’t Make You An Immigrant, Just As Breaking Into A House Doesn’t Make You A Homeowner.”
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THE POLISHED GRANDMOTHER & THE CABBIE
An elegant, poised woman and her 12-year-old grandson were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings.
“Gran,” said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"
“They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.
The blue-collar cabbie turned in his seat and said out of the side of his mouth, “Geez, lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."
The little boy's eyes got wide and he said, "Is that true Gran?"
The grandmother, her eyes like daggers as she stared hard at the driver, answered, “Yes … I am afraid it is.”
After a few minutes the kid asks, "Gran, if those women have babies, what happens to them?"
The grandmother didn’t skip a beat. “Most of them become taxi drivers."
royexum@aol.com