Roy Exum
By the time darkness fell over Washington, D.C., on Sunday, it had clearly been a monumental weekend. On Friday Donald Trump had ben inaugurated as the 45th President of the United States. On Saturday a fierce crowd of a half-million women who each are entitled to have the identical rights as men in the same United States, marched on The Mall. And then, the Washington Post printed extra Sunday editions for so many to take back across America as souvenirs of the historic happenings.
The website of the newspaper is washingtonpost.com and I provide it in full knowledge that at least 90 percent of those who read this are not going to believe what I will now reveal. I can also predict a good number are going to want to read for themselves. So, after a full day of letting the counting machines tally the scores, this is what the newspaper claimed at sunset were the “most read” stories of the day. Here, in descending order, are the headlines for the most popular stories:
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No. 5 – “A Century of Women Marching on the Mall.”
No. 4 – “A New Mayor Promised to Fix a Texas City. Instead, He Resigned After Just 37 Days on the Job.”
No. 3 – “Feeling Forgotten by Obama, People in this Ohio Town Looks To Trump with Cautious Hope.”
No. 2 – “Trump Turns To Routine Matters after Media Bashing.”
No. 1 – “No, Gwyneth Paltrow, Women Should Not Put Jade Eggs in their Vaginas, Gynecologist Says.”
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It’s the truth! The Washington Post is the “Newspaper of Record” in our nation’s Capital. This is what Bobby Corker and Nancy Pelosi and our other lawmakers read every day. People from every walk of the government read it, all down in Virginia and up in Maryland and points beyond. But the better truth is that of every reader, the tantalizing article under a glamour shot of the comely starlet was yesterday’s winner.
Allow me to further “set the table” by sharing the first two paragraphs because this is better than a slow dance with Melania Trump herself!
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“It wasn't that long ago when Gwyneth Paltrow raved about the benefits of vaginal steaming, a non-scientifically proven process of sitting over a hot pot of water filled with herbs for up to 45 minutes to ‘cleanse your uterus’ and ‘balance female hormone levels,’ as the actress had put it.
“Most recently, Paltrow's lifestyle website Goop, which promoted vaginal steaming, is at it again with another advice for women: putting a jade egg — yes, a solid object about the size of a golf ball — in your vagina, and keeping it there all day or while you're sleeping.”
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I can hardly stand it. Pray tell, what would you do if you came in from work and the woman you love more than any other person on the planet was squatting over a bubbling cauldron of rosemary and thyme, trying to catch a little steam?
“WHAT ‘CHU DOING!! What in heaven’s name has gotten into you!”
“I am balancing my female hormone levels so I can be like Gwyneth Paltrow.”
“I’m gonna’ tell this …you lose your balance right now and your hormones gonna’ be gone forever… and, let me add, you just went on a woman’s march for the last time using our vacation money.”
Now, as you read down the story you’ll find out that Gwyneth has gotten a bunch of jade ‘eggs’ made up and, at $66, they’ve already sold out. Dr. Jen Gunter, an OB-GYN in San Francisco, said carrying a chunk of jade around inside yourself is the biggest bunch of garbage she ever heard.
Dr. Gunter also sent Paltrow a blog that proved she could care less if it was ‘a strictly-guarded secret’ of Chinese queens and concubines. “Nothing says female empowerment more than the only reason is to do this for your man! And then the claim they can balance hormones, is, quite simply, biologically impossible. As for female energy? I am a gynecologist and I don’t know what that is!?”
Wow, it sure didn’t take long to change the conversation in D.C., did it?
royexum@aol.com