Roy Exum
As I took my monthly stroll through my garden to see what new things I can find, the ground was wet, deliciously wet on New Year’s Day. In 2016 we were a full 20 inches less than normal rainfall but in December we had 4.82 inches of rain, just .05 of an inch under normal. So here’s to the hope we are over the forest fires and drought-ravaged farms in 2017. Here’s what else I notice in my search for orchids and onions:
AN ORCHID to the dramatic efforts that are ongoing in Gatlinburg following the catastrophic forest fire. Like one burnt-out survivor said, “This is Tennessee. We volunteer to help each other. It won’t be long before we will build out of the ashes.”
AN ONION to Josh Marshall, an editor of “Talking Points” who, in a tweet he just sent mocking Team Trump, inadvertently attached a pornographic tape. He most certainly doesn’t want to talk about it.
AN ORCHID to the fact that on the very same day of the Woodmore Elementary bus tragedy, people from around the country had over 200 pizzas delivered to Children’s Hospital.
AN ONION to the fact there is not an adequate waiting area at the present Children’s Hospital. It will be several years before the new Children’s Hospital can be built but hospital official Gregg Gentry assures me hospital leaders are looking into a solution.
AN ORCHID to researchers in Huntsville who are creating the DNA of a chestnut tree in hopes of bringing back the beautiful trees that were obliterated by a fungus that began in 1888. In the early 1900s there were an estimated 4 billion chestnut trees from Alabama to Maine and flour made from chestnuts was used in the South to bake delicacies. Here’s hoping for success.
AN ONION to the shooters in Chicago; the tentative 2016 statistics show 4,378 people were shot within the city limits and 795 died in the year 2016 but some are still critical so the official numbers are pending. In the month of December of 2016, 295 people were shot, 58 fatally, and as of 9 a.m. on the first day of the year, police reported 27 wounded and 8 killed before the sun came up. Yet the biggest story in the world on Monday was that 39 people had been killed in an attack of a night club in Istanbul while there was no media report of Chicago’s endless carnage anywhere.
AN ORCHID for the delightful wit and wonder that Bill Casteel blessed us with in the years he was a columnist for The Chattanooga Times. He died not long ago of a sudden stroke.
AN ONION for the latest report from Health Affairs that showed the United States spent $3.2 trillion (with a ‘t’) on health care in 2015, which averages out to about $9,990 per person. That’s up by 5.8 percent from 2014 and represents 178 percent on the country’s gross domestic product.
AN ORCHID to my dear friend Tim Shackleford for alerting me to the fact my computer had a virus called “Trotux.” He instructed me to type “adware removal tool by tsa” in my search line and click on the link to download the small file. It is free and, sure enough, I ridded myself of the interloper. As my funny friend added, “I don’t even trust my toaster anymore.”
AN ONION to Arkansas receiver Jeremy Sprinkler who, while in Charlotte to play West Virginia in the Belk Bowl, got caught shoplifting at a department store and was sent home early by his coaches. The name of the store? That would be Belk’s. Almost as bad was the fact Arkansas led by 24-0 at the half and ended up losing to the Mountaineers in a stunning comeback, 35-24.
AN ORCHID to the fact that rural Elliott County in Kentucky has only 8,000 people, of which 4,691 are registered Democrats and 227 Republicans. After voting for a Democratic president for the last 144 years, the county went for Trump. As Gene Johnson, a lifelong Democrat, told the Lexington newspaper: “Trump is a businessman. I thought maybe it was time to get a politician out of Washington and put in a businessman. Give the man a try. See what he can do.”
AN ORCHID to the fact that when Louisville quarterback Lamar Jackson won this year’s Heisman Trophy as American’s best college football player. He was the first teenager to ever do so. That’s right, he is just 19 years old.
AN ONION to the fact Alabama’s great defensive lineman Dakota Ball didn’t get to play in the Peach Bowl after a hunting accident cost him his index finger. “I was tying a rope around the barrel and the stock to keep it inside my four-wheeler and it just went off. I never touched the trigger but obviously I didn’t have the safety on … I love guns but I’m going to take a break for a little bit.”
AN ORCHID to the entertainer Madonna who, when accepting the Woman of the Year award from Billboard magazine, quipped, “I think the most controversial thing I have ever done is to stick around.”
AN ONION for the news that 25 percent of all children growing up in Alabama are in poverty.
AN ORCHID for “Wonder Woman,” who first got her feet wet in the comic books before TV and the movies. She just celebrated her 75th birthday.
AN ONION to an announcement by Judicial Watch that cites Secret Service and Air Force sources in revealing that in the eight years Barack Obama has been our president, his travels have cost the American taxpayers $96,938,882.51. For instance, Michelle Obama took her daughters on a ski trip to Aspen last February ($222,875.58) and in March the president travelled quite famously to Cuba and Argentina ($7,146,015.16). The taxpayers also paid $360,236 for Hillary Clinton to ride on Air Force One with the president to campaign in North Carolina.
AN ORCHID to the truth – the best cheeseburger in the Chattanooga area comes from Market on the Mountain, the small store located on Watauga Road on Lookout Mtn. The 2016 runner-up is Five Guys’ double-patty “all the way,” although the best place to eat the monster would be in a bath tub. Honorable mention to Purple Daisy in St. Elmo, any Armando’s, and the Tremont Tavern.
AN ONION to a recent National Football League study that shows penalties for offensive holding and defensive secondary violations have both increased by over 40 percent in just the last five years.
AN ONION to the men’s and women’s basketball teams at Covenant College for disrespecting the National Anthem. Suffice it to say donations from the Lookout Mountain communities will plummet, free speech or not.
AN ORCHID to Ryan Manchester, a high school senior who was at his home eating cereal, when he heard a loud bang at the front door and raced to the living room where an eight-point deer was madly trashing the family Christmas tree, this in Frederick, MD. He called 9-1-1 but also called his dad, asking for the key to the gun safe. Once his dad told him where the key was, Ryan fetched a 9 mm Smith & Wesson and the situation kept getting worse. Unable to wait any longer for animal control officers, he bagged his first buck in the family living room. His dad had the animal’s head mounted and gave it to our newest hunter for Christmas.
AN ONION to singer Mariah Carey for bombing in her New Year’s Rockin’ Eve in Times Square on Saturday night but the part I loved was members of her stage crew angrily demanding to know what time the big ball would drop. Hello?
AN ONION to the lesbian couple that is getting divorced in Kansas and has asked the court to make the sperm donor responsible for child support.
AND, FINALLY, if you are looking for a slogan to carry you into the New Year, consider the words of Ireland’s Samuel Beckett, who won the Pulitzer Prize for Literature before he died in 1989: “Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail better.”
royexum@aol.com