Roy Exum: Hot Cars And Stuff

  • Saturday, July 23, 2016
  • Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

As of Friday afternoon, there was a one-year-old girl in Birmingham clinging to her life after she was absent-mindedly left in a parked car this week. With an outside temperature in the mid-90s, it is estimated the inside temperature in a locked automobile will be over 140 degrees so please know our Good Samaritan laws give you “a free pass” to bash a window out if you see an infant or an animal that you feel is threatened by a heatstroke.

Thus far there have been 20 infants who have died in the United States of hypothermia this year, as opposed to 24 in all of 2015, and with what is predicted to be our hottest summer ever, do not hesitate to act immediately. Call 911 after you get the child or the animal out of the vehicle and don’t worry what the car owner might say. Our judges listen to stupid people every day.

Some pet owners are under the false assumption that if they lower a window a few inches it will not harm the animal. Nothing can be further from the truth and, if you want to win the argument, suggest the Dumbo join Fido for …oh, about three minutes.

* * *

Get ready! Next month Steve Spurrier, the “old Ball Coach” who retired from South Carolina last year, will release his new autobiography and the early line is that the book is filled with great lines. At the recent SEC Media Days Spurrier was clearly missed because his barbs back in the day were hysterical.

He loved to pick on Ray Goff at Georgia because they always played early in the season: “I sort of liked playing them that second game because you could always count on them having two or three key players suspended.”

Another funny that rankled the Bulldog fans: “Why is it that during the recruiting season Georgia signs all the great players, but when it comes time to play the game, we have all the great players? I don’t understand that. What happens to them?”

Then Steve would rattle UT every chance he could. “Yeah, this will be the 14th time I’ve coached in Neyland Stadium … I’ve coached there more than some of their head coaches.”

One year the Auburn library caught on fire while a game was being played and Spurrier couldn’t resist. “I heard 20 books got burned … the real tragedy was that 15 hadn’t been colored yet.”

* * *

The police in Somerville, Mass., just asked the town mayor to consider taking a “Black Lives Matter” banner from the front of City Hall – it has been there almost a year -- and replacing it with one that reads, “All Lives Matter!” The cops claimed it was demoralizing but Joseph Curtatone, the mayor, denied the request, issuing a statement that claimed his “unwavering support for our police officers does not and cannot preempt our commitment to addressing systemic racism in our nation.”

* * *

There is a website called TheReligionOfPeace.com that has systematically listed every Islamic Terror Attack in the world during 2016. While it doesn’t yet include Friday’s attack in Germany, you can look for yourself and see that since January 1st of his year, there have been 1,302 Islamic attacks in 50 countries, in which 11,944 people have been killed and another 14,440 injured. Go ahead, see for yourself.

* * *

The next time you see B.B. Branton, who knows more about major league baseball than any person I know, hit him with this fact: In major league baseball there has only been 30 left-handed catchers who caught for a single inning in baseball, of those 30 only 23 completed one entire game, of those 23 only five played 100 games or more, and of those five only one played an entire career (800 games minimum) as a lefty. The only one? That would be Jack Clements who played his final game for the Boston Beaneaters in 1900.

* * *

My man Caleb sends this one: This morning I was sitting on a bench next to a homeless man, I asked him how he ended up this way. He said: "Up until last week, I still had it all!!! A cook cooked my meals, my clothes were washed & pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV, Internet, I went to the gym, the pool, the library, I could still go to school ..."

I asked him, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce???"

"Oh no, nothing like that" he said. "No, no ... I got out of prison."

* * *

BEST IRISH JOKE OF THE WEEK

(Repeat this in your best Irish brogue)

Paddy phones 000 because his mate's been hit by a car.

Paddy: 'Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleedin’ from his nose and ears and I tink both his legs are broken.'

Operator: 'What is your location sir?'

Paddy: 'Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street.'

Operator: 'How do you spell that sir?'

Silence.... (heavy breathing) and after a minute…..

Operator: 'Are you there sir?'

More heavy breathing and another minute later….

Operator: 'Sir, can you hear me?'

This goes on for another few minutes until…...

Operator: 'Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?'

Paddy: 'Yes, sorry ‘bout dat... I couldn't spell eucalyptus, so I just dragged him round to number 3 Oak Street .'

royexum@aol.com

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