Roy Exum: Tipping The Preacher

  • Saturday, June 25, 2016
  • Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

I got an unusual telephone call the other day from someone I love who asked my help in solving one of life’s delicate mysteries. It is a tough question: “How do you tip a preacher?” In the first place, you never tip a preacher. It’s the preacher who gives out the tips, helping to keep you on the straight-and-narrow in your quest to waltz through the Pearly Gates.

But there are times, as delicate and as discreet as they well may be, when a family wants to express its deep gratitude and give what’s known as a financial gratuity; a monetary offering of thanks to a minister who might conduct The Holy Rite of Marriage or officiate at the funeral of a member of your family. It has been highly proper since the beginning of time and, while Holy Men will say it is never expected, it is always most appreciated and quite fitting in the gentle shadows of our society.

Believe it or not, I’ve been asked about “discreet gifting” for years so let’s pull out the primer and I’ll explain to you how delicate money matters are handled easily. Some people don’t believe in tipping the clergy, holding the notion that is what the collection plate is for. They feel such duty “is part of the job” for a minister, priest, or rabbi. I disagree, particularly when I realize the day-to-day burden these people shoulder with no complaint. Who among us doesn’t like extra dessert?

When I was growing up, we were taught that gratitude is of utmost importance, and the longer I have lived I have come to the belief that gratitude is by far the toughest of my emotions. Never use email to thank anybody – they need to hold a hand-written note to feel its sway. Not until you realize there is no way you can fully thank people can you live with yourself. And the greater your appreciation for others, the more humbling it becomes.

So, yes sir, there are times when you want to recognize ministers for going “over and beyond” the call of duty, when you want to thank the late-life caregivers, and when you want to sweeten an experience that you know is “part of the job” for the angel who just helped you immeasurably. Your child’s camp counselor, your grandson’s substance abuse advisor – the possibilities are endless and each deserving – the only true exceptions being a working judge or an angry policeman.

The trick is you don’t want to embarrass the person you are giving the gratuity, but you also don’t want to embarrass yourself by stupidly turning your tribute into a bumbling affront.

When I was in my mid-20s, for some reason, my grandfather decided I should be the “envelope guy” for our family. Whenever the occasion presented itself, my grandfather and other immediate family members would already be walking to the car when I would lag behind, take a discreet blank envelope from my inside coat pocket, and approach the intended.

I would quietly tell them my family will always remember their personal kindness while forcing the envelope into their hand. Understand, it is all done with great discretion and the intended will usually whisper “thank you” while putting said envelope inside his own coat. Never, ever, is the envelope or the gift it carries to be mentioned again and never expect a thank-you note, either.

You see, my grandfather never wanted to humble anyone with a tribute and he certainly didn’t want anyone to feel they were beholden to him. But if I did make the slip, the intended could certainly figure where it came from without any embarrassment. And the women in our family would never be as improper to hand anyone a gift of money … that’s why it always fell on me … and as a longtime practitioner of sorts, allow me to share what I know about discretion, gifting, and shielding a person’s dignity.

In the first place, you never hand anyone but the baby-sitter “naked” cash or a check. That’s not only crass and common, it is also rude. What you do is get a blank envelope with no writing on it anywhere. No return address, no name printed on the back flap, no company stationary. The best is a heavy Crane’s envelope and inside should be a blank piece of matching paper – also totally blank.

How much cash you put in the envelope should be fitting but never flashy. People generally know a lot about the person, or family, giving the money so the best rule of thumb is what you can generally afford in the eyes of the recipient without going overboard. In a restaurant you might be used to 15-or-20 percent but that doesn’t play … give what is fitting to both parties and it will be sincere.

Never give a personal or a company check. Never. It always has the person’s name on it. It also implies the giver might want a tax deduction so the preacher has to report it. No, the deal is always cash only, nestled in the folded piece of blank paper inside the sealed envelope. That way the recipient can use cash however it best fits one’s purpose … help send his kids on a mission trip, take his wife to dinner, pay for a round of golf … you don’t care but cash makes the gift untraceable, and thus it becomes the best gift of all.

The most coveted piece of currency anywhere in the world is “a Benjamin.” (Benjamin Franklin’s likeness is on every $100 bill.) Trust me on this; a Benjamin sings its own song … try offering anyone five $20s or a Benjamin and they’ll grab the C-note every time. A Benjamin is very flat … let’s say you want to slip somebody $500. That’s twenty-five $20s and no matter what you do to disguise it, a fat envelope is not only just embarrassing, it is too flashy and gaudy. Five Benjamins ain’t hardly a stack.

After the funeral, the wedding, the ceremony or whatever, you wait until everybody is out of their seats and moving. Timing is important. When people walk in a close crowd they tend to watch where they are going instead of trying to catch you passing a tribute. That is when you lean into the intended’s personal zone and whisper, “Our family can never thank you enough. You are so kind to us.” All the while pressing the envelope into his hand.

Never, ever, mention the envelope, not at all. If you say, “Here’s a little something …” it ruins the moment and the words are wasted. Don’t worry, he knows it is a “little something” already and that is why he will grab it.

The reason there is never to be a name on the envelope is because the preacher should quit reading the Bible if he is too stupid to know it’s for him. And the reason there is never a nice thank you note inside the envelope is because the whole process is done with utmost discretion. Never put anyone in a position of having to say thank you for a tribute. The second you make the pass, you hurry to catch up with the family. Never stand to chat or the intended will have to acknowledge the gift. Get away as fast as you can.

If you are a widow, or are a female who presides over a large family, it is imperative you always do so with the class of an elegant lady. That is so your grandchildren will never forget you. Women’s lib and gay pride and all else aside, you ask one of your dearest male friends to pass the tribute for you.

It isn’t that it is a sexist thing, it is a discreet thing (for heaven’s sake!) and one guy talking to another is far less noticeable than the woman of the hour to be seen “paying for kindness.” In such a situation, the gentleman friend might whisper, “Miss Inez and her family marvel at your sincere words and kindnesses,” as he slips the envelope. Keep it real simple, quick, and above all discreet.

Sometimes, more rarely than not, you’ll have one of God’s servants refuse to accept the envelope. Don’t rehearse it but have a hammer ready in your whisper if you must. “Then let’s make that your big problem because it ain’t gonna’ be mine! My family told me what to do and if it comes to you and my family, I don’t eat lunch with you every Sunday. Take it up with them later but I was told what to do … you take this now.” (It always works.)

The most important thing of all is that you properly thank those you love. Never lose sight of what power a Benjamin has in every possible setting. And never stop expressing your gratitude for your life’s blessings.

Now you know how the pros do it.

royexum@aol.com

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