Off-Roading In The Wilderness

When we pray for God to change our heart about something, how often have we prayed that prayer and expected an immediate response from God?

And, if He doesn’t answer that prayer within the timeline we give it, do we decide for ourselves that maybe our hearts don’t need to change about the matter?

In the last ten years I have found myself more patient for God’s timing and I will not act impulsively even if I don’t have a clear answer immediately. I know to wait. How long? It doesn’t matter … because my vision of time is not even comparable to God’s and I trust Him.

There are times I feel He works with lightning speed as blessings flood my life overwhelmingly with His goodness, yet it is usually after the time I expected. I have called Him an “In-the-nick-of-time-God” because at times my faith has been tested up to the last minute just before His recue.

When it comes to Sunday worship, I have expressed my feelings before of how churches have changed and I just didn’t like certain worship styles. In fact, this has been a struggle for a few years while trying to find a ‘fit’ to call a church my ‘church home’.

While single, I was visiting a few different churches and while I felt comfortable with a Presbyterian church, I did not put effort in becoming involved. My excuse was that I knew God may send me someone in my life and I may not stay at that church.

God did send me someone and I moved back to my hometown of Kentucky.

Newlyweds don’t want to create problems in their marriage especially in the first stage, so when my husband expressed wanting us to join the church we were attending together, I did.

Knowing God gave our union, I trusted Jason as the spiritual leader in our family and I knew in my heart that my place is with him – especially in worship.

For the last two years I have had an uneasy feeling at church and right away I will tell you – I knew the problem was me. I knew it was my problem and not really about the church. And that is why, I was able to be patient with God as He worked this out in my life. I trusted that God would bring all things together at the right time and for everything to transpire in the time it did so that my heart could be exactly where He wanted it.

If I never thought I had room to grow spiritually, then I would be fooling myself. I know God isn’t finished with me and I still have a lot to learn, but I appreciate exactly where I am right now.

A few years ago, my pride would have spurred my strong will until my rebellion set me back a few steps and, stepping back is not how to win a race.

As Christians, the race set before us has the same destination, but of how much ‘off-roading’ will we do? It’s okay though … off-roading has its purpose.

Our pastor has been taking us through the book of Exodus and explaining how there was a much quicker way for the children of God to travel, yet they traveled through the wilderness. Why? I had never asked myself this question when reading this book.

And if I had ever been told why before, I am sure it would not have sunk in or meant anything to me until I had a lifetime of traveling through the wilderness myself.

My own Exodus.

So as I am in this wonderful, honest, respectful relationship with the Lord, I will not throw a tantrum when I know I am wrong … but, my heart has to be ‘there’ in order for the full surrender of my heart on any situation.

Having a problem with the contemporary worship style in the church we attended, I have left crying.  I have stood with hot, stinging tears as everyone sang and I refused … all because I did not know a song or it was too contemporary for me.

For the first year we were members, I prayed that God would change my heart because I really did not feel a tug away from the church. But when my son moved to Kentucky and visited our church, he said he felt the same way I did, I took that as a possible sign that God may lead us somewhere else.

My heart was not ‘ready to receive’ the message God had for me. Until it was, I went through doubt and feeling like I didn’t belong (and feelings don’t lie, right)?  I knew feelings could lie to me, I knew the enemy could use my feelings and change my focus.

What I needed couldn’t come from a pastor siding with me or telling me to go ahead and leave … it couldn’t come from the music leader changing the music … so  I waited, knowing the Lord would either put another church on both my husband’s and my heart, or  it would be a change of heart. My heart.

So, this second year as I would sometimes let a headache or something else make me miss church, or I would even go visit another church, I still could not commit my heart to our church and I stayed closed off. Yet, I also could not tell my husband that I absolutely knew God did not want me there. I could give him all my reasons for not liking it, I could tell him I just was not comfortable, but I could not tell him that I felt the Lord leading me away from our church, because I never did. And, he did not feel lead to leave either. There was a moment is frustration where Jason suggested we go to different churches, but I knew deep down, that when God put us together … it was not for ‘happily ever after’ … it was for HIS PURPOSE. And it is not His purpose for us to be separately worshipping.

God put us ‘together’. And together there is a purpose for our union. Oh yes, I am happy! I am with the person God intended for me and has blessed me with and each day we truly are grateful for each other. But it isn’t about “Jason and me” being happy. It is about God’s Kingdom.

Finally, in God’s timing (two years) my problem came to a head. We visited a church whose worship style was more my speed, but it was very different for my husband. When I saw this church through his eyes, I knew that he would not ever feel a part of that body.

So we then tried another church a couple of our friends had told us about and that did it! My eyes opened and God revealed His truth to my heart. This church was so far out and so contemporary, it made our church look quite old fashioned.

My husband loved our church. He was friends with the pastor, he was a door greeter and he was alive in worship! He sang each Sunday even if he didn’t know the song! And yes, he would miss pitch on occasion, miss words or sing when the worship leader said ‘ladies only’…. But he sang! He praised! He worshipped!

His heart was joyful.

My heart became mournful … but for a different reason this time. I mourned the fact that I knew deep down the enemy was doing a number on me and I gave into my feelings anyway - feelings, that in all honesty may have mattered to me at the time, but have no merit at all now.

A few weeks ago, I sent the pastor an email telling him I was through missing church or trying other churches. I apologized for how long it has taken for me to ‘become a member’ after joining. I explained my reasons, (but they really didn’t matter now).

Two years ago, it may have been an easy choice to ‘pretend I loved the church’ and go against what I was comfortable with…. but since that isn’t me, it really took the time it did until my heart was truly ‘there’.  I have to be true to my heart even if I am focus on temporary feelings. I cannot pretend and God knows this – He created me this way. As I confessed last week that I was being selfish and focusing on all the wrong things, and I surrendered that strong will I have … nothing was fake after two years of struggle. I was ‘there’.

Last week, the service was perfect for me. It felt very welcoming, the music didn’t seem as loud, the songs were all the ones I knew and it just seemed perfect. God did that. God helped me accept the church and I felt a belonging.

But this Sunday, the pastor preached on …‘my struggle’ as he gave the message from Exodus. It sure sounded as if he was reading my email to the whole congregation out loud! A leader of a church, God’s man who devoted his life’s work to lead God’s people, would not give a message based solely on an email or for spite toward one person. No, he is just God’s instrument (and though my email may have given him points to discuss knowing many people may feel some of the same things) he was in prayer over this topic, and he was following God’s lead. And… God staged the whole scene perfectly.

How do I know?

Because of the years I have seen God work. This is how He does things. He doesn’t just make it about one person … His lessons and His blessings are ten-fold. He touches many hearts at once but each in a special individual way! How loving!

Our pastor has been preaching from Exodus for some weeks now. Today’s chapter was about singing. About worship. It was just after God parting the Red Sea and the people praised God in song.

My ‘belonging’ or involvement in church had nothing to do with where I went to church as much as it did where my heart was in that church. And for some reason (or for many reasons that only God knows about) the timing for me to come to grips with it all was ‘just right’.

Because only God knew when we joined this church that our pastor would be teaching in Exodus two years later which led to the very message he spoke this Sunday. And this time there were a few songs I didn’t know and mostly contemporary, but my heart was still a part of worship even though it could have been uncomfortable again.

So when the preacher started stepping on my toes, as he preached the message about singing and praising …it was perfectly okay.

Oh, I could have felt ‘targeted’ or that he was using my email against me … but that is not the heart of this pastor and it is not how God’s heart works. That would have been another lie from the enemy.

I saw God’s heart. I saw through hindsight, how He orchestrated the timing of everything! I saw others around me who were just as moved by the message and it was personal for them too! Imagine all of their own stories of what God was doing in their lives!

It wasn’t about “me” … it was about the glory of the Lord. Hallelujah!

Last week, when I had a great Sunday at church, I wanted to hug the neck of our worship leader. I felt I owed him an apology too, but there wasn’t an opportunity.

It was today, the day of the toe stomping, that he stood alone on stage as the congregation was leaving. I felt God nudging me to go up on stage and hug this man and I did. I briefly told him why and I apologized and I think my sincerity blessed him.

Then, I went to our pastor to teasingly give him ‘a piece of my mind’ for preaching on this topic in the message today. I hugged him as well and laughed with him as I told him I had arthritis in my feet and would appreciate when he stepped on my toes to take it easy. But then I thanked him for his message and that God’s chastisement came at the right time.  I finally received the meaning behind my struggle and it was confirmed in today’s message that was already on God’s heart before it was our pastor’s.

One of my favorite life-experiencing verses in scripture is Romans 8:28 in which ‘God works all things to the good’ … this was not about me and my uncomfortableness. It was not about the worship style of this church. It was not about the songs, and it was not about my email or the past two years of my struggle. It was about where all of our focus needs to be and our hearts receiving what God has for us and wants to do in us and through us.

Now, that two-year struggle seems tedious. Oh the wilderness! If only I had focused on the fact that we have been rescued and that is the reason we sing, the reason for praising and lifting our voices to our God. Easy isn’t always best, as our pastor’s son preached last Sunday. Sometimes it takes the wilderness for our hearts to obtain the wisdom in the journey.

On the way home, I also apologized to my husband and told him how grateful I was to have a husband who loves church and who loves to sing praises to the Lord – even when he doesn’t know the song. I acknowledged the joy I see in him each Sunday. We both had tears in our eyes as our love for each other wasn’t just about us, but about our worship – something very dear to both of our hearts.

I’m not kicking myself for ‘wasting time’. No, I am excited because I see how God worked everything together in the two years it took for my heart to embrace this church. And, in knowing that this is only the beginning of something pretty cool He already has in the works and will be ten-fold!

Don’t get discouraged for off-roading because matters of the heart may have periods of waiting or God is busy working the timing together for all involved in the blessing.  And, it is in the wilderness where we gain wisdom.

jen@jenjeffrey.com