Roy Exum
I know precious little about rhinoceroses, other than you don’t dare mess with anything that weighs almost four tons and can run 35 miles an hour. Further, I hear hippopotamuses are mean and unpredictable, and are among the deadliest animals in Africa, but today we are focusing on white rhinoceroses because there is only one white male rhinoceros remaining in the world.
Think of that, extinction one death away, so no wonder an African rhinoceros known by the name of “Sudan” is under 24-hour guard in Kenya.
Last year over 1,000 rhinos were poached and now the world is down to one northern white male. One. When ol’ Sudan, goes, white rhinos will be extinct. A zoo in the Czech Republic has loaned a reserve in Kenya two white females in hopes “Sudan” will get a little frisky but so far there hasn’t been much action, as it were.
The white rhinoceros, which is actually a silvery brown, weighs between 2,500 and 3,500 pounds. It is about six feet high at the shoulder and 11-to-13 feet long. And, yeah, one will produce about 50 pounds of manure every day, which is more than anyone wants to shovel. A white rhino’s “curse,” is that it has a great big horn, about yardstick long, on its snout and people in Viet Nam and China will pay the same price for it as they would 24-carat gold.
One scientific study after another has proven rhinoceros horn is nothing more than keratin, which is what your toe nails are. It is not an aphrodisiac at all. It does not cure convulsions or headaches. All that is bunk – the scientists claim -- but the people at the preserve are so intent on keeping the three whites healthy they have sawed off their horns and have armed guards in place with orders to kill.
No wonder: last year 1,000 other species of rhinos were killed, most by poachers trying to get the horns. Game officials in Africa medically removed Sudan’s horn, hoping it would make the old bull rhino worthless to the poachers, but the now-famous rhinoceros has 24-hour protection by mean men carrying automatic weapons.
Maybe because “Sudan” has no horn is why he’s not … er, let’s use the word “ambitious” rather than the obvious … but it is a given we need the big rhinoceros to be “the big rhinoceros.” The gestation period for a rhino is around 16 months and a calf weighs 60-to-80 pounds at birth. Oddly, the minute the baby is on the way the sire rhino leaves the scene (imagine that) so most little rhinos never see their old man. But now you know why there are two female white rhinos sunbathing in Kenya.
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The older I get the less fun it is to point out other people’s goofs but as one who has written many stupid headlines, I keep a collection of the best and the worst. When I opened the Times Free Press on Monday I read the biggest headline on the front of the Metro section twice and believe it may be the greatest truth I have ever seen.
Monday the headline read: “Tuesday May Be Next Day Without Rain.” Now that is profound, even if you aren’t a weatherman. The story actually read that there might not be any rain until a week from Tuesday but somewhere there is a meteorologist who believes the headline could also have said, “Tuesday May Be The Next Day With Rain.”
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Chattanooga General Sessions Judge Lila Statom's grandmother lived in East Lake during its heyday so recently, when attempted murder suspect O’Shae Smith told Her Honor he shot an intruder because he was in “my hood,” Judge Statom jumped him like a prizefighter.
A WRCB tape of the verbal altercation is on YouTube, where it has been seen over a half-million times. “Sir,” she growled, “East Lake Courts is not your hood. It’s the citizens of the United States that own that – because they work and pay taxes. You don’t own that.”
The judge, who was named to replace the gruff Ron Durby on the bench in 2012, would have made Judge Durby proud and, when the gangster raised his hand to speak, Judge Statom gave him a glare and said, “I don’t think you want to say one word to me, Mr. Smith.”
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Ron Higgins, a great pal of mine back in the day, had a funny story in the New Orleans’ Times-Picayune the other day that ranked the SEC football teams by arrests, dating back to 2010. Higgins said the warm summer months are “arrest season” and warned fans to get ready for foolish decisions to break some hearts. Here are the updated standings:
GEORGIA -- 22 by 21 players, none in 2015, last arrest Oct. 5, 2014.
TEXAS A&M -- 22 by 19 players, two in 2015, last arrest March 10.
MISSOURI -- 21 by 19 players and a head coach, none in 2015, last arrest Nov. 7, 2014.
FLORIDA --20 by 17 players, 2 in 2015, last arrest on Saturday.
TENNESSEE -- 19 by 19 players, 2 in 2015, last arrest March 25.
OLE MISS -- 19 by 18 players, 2 in 2015, last arrest Jan. 22.
KENTUCKY -- 18 by 18 players, 0 in 2015, last arrest Oct. 7, 2014.
ALABAMA -- 17 by 14 players, 3 in 2015, last arrest March 31
ARKANSAS -- 14 by 14 players, 1 in 2015, last arrest Feb. 22.
AUBURN -- 12 by 12 players, 0 in 2015, last arrest July 11, 2014.
LSU -- 10 by 9 players, 0 in 2015, last arrest July 24, 2014.
MISSISSIPPI STATE -- 10 by 9 players, 2 in 2015, last arrest March 13.
SOUTH CAROLINA -- 9 by 7 players and an assistant coach, 0 in 2015, last arrest March 23, 2014.
VANDERBILT -- Vanderbilt, 3 by 2 players and an assistant coach, 0 in 2015, last arrest Feb. 16, 2014.
royexum@aol.com