After all these rainy days we’ve had, let’s share a laugh or two:
Overheard from a favorite waitress: "My doctor told me I have ADD-HD. I don't pay attention that often, but when I do, everything looks really sharp."
A senior citizens group just invited me to speak at their next meeting. The lady who called asked me, "How long do you talk?" I jokingly replied, "Well, usually until people start falling asleep." "I've heard your speech," she said. "That should take about 10 minutes."
Sometimes my smartphone "auto-correct" plays tricks on me. A few days ago, this lady sent me a message about her teenage daughter. "I'm so proud of her! She just won another major award." In my reply, I intended to write, "I've always believed your daughter is destined for some really big things." But evidently, I hit a wrong letter, and the word "things" became "thighs." Gee, that gives the sentence a whole new meaning. Sorry about that.
Mick Jagger is now a great-grandfather. He will spend this summer doing stadium shows with the Rolling Stones. My great-grandfather liked to whittle.
I have noticed that whenever a sports or entertainment superstar does something stupid, rude, or illegal, we always know what will happen next. Their public relations firm will issue a sincere, heartfelt apology.
Today's grammar tip: never end a sentence with some random, unnecessary word or whatnot.
It never fails. I'm in the checkout line at the store, and I run into an old friend. He's someone I'd like to impress. His cart is filled with fresh vegetables, fruits, and skim milk. Mine is loaded down with Cap'n Crunch, mouse traps and a National Enquirer.
I sure miss Skip Caray on the Braves TV games. Back when the Braves weren't very good, during a rain delay, they would fill the time with a 3 Stooges comedy. Skip would say, "Now let's watch the 3 Stooges...although you may not notice any difference."
I just read two interesting new health studies in the newspaper. One says eating too much junk food is bad for your memory. The other says...uh...where did I put that paper? It was here a minute ago....
Did you hear about the lady who trying to get her husband to go to church? He said, “Those people don’t like me. They gossip, and say bad things about me. Give me three good reasons why I should go to church.” She said, “Well, number one, God wants you to go. Number two, I want you to go. And number three…you’re the preacher!”
I guess you’ve heard about the debate on whether schools should teach cursive writing. A disgruntled parent called it unnecessary, saying, “My children have already learned too many cursive words from watching the movies we get from Redbox.”
I have spent way too much time on the phone with customer service reps in India, going through various exercises while trying to revive my ailing computers and printers. I have entered codes, inserted discs, and stood on my head while singing the National Anthem. Nothing they’ve suggested has worked. The only thing that EVER works, is unplugging the device, and then plugging it in again. Yes, the reliable old “reboot” seems to be the cure for all malfunctions. So I have revised my will. My wife now knows that if I’m ever plugged into a life support machine, and the doctors say, “We’ve done everything we can,” she is to personally unplug me, and then plug me back in. I should be good as new, in no time.
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: “Low Bridge Ahead.” Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver and says, “Got stuck, huh?” The truck driver says, “No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.”
Finally, I’ll be doing a column soon on “The Worst Songs Ever,” and I need your help. What are the songs that make you switch stations as soon as they come on the radio? The songs you’ve been hating since you were a teen? The songs with the dumbest lyrics, or the most annoying music? Send me an e-mail to badsongs2015@yahoo.com and I may use your comments. And yes, there are prizes involved!
(From David Carroll’s ChattanoogaRadioTV.com)