Roy Exum
Sometime on Monday night, after I had written a piece on getting swatted with a switch as a kid, I got an email from ESPN Canada asking if I would be a televised guest on “Off the Record,” the most watched daily sports show in Canada. The subject: corporal punishment in America. Are you kidding me? I am hardly an expert.
All weekend my world of sports and its excitement was warped with former Heisman Trophy winners and a plethora of others who actually know nothing about it taking sides in the Adrian Peterson debacle. The Minnesota Viking running back admitted and apologized for chastising a four-year-old boy with a switch. My goodness, the whole thing should have been squelched as fast as a four-year-old forgets about the last whipping. From what happened to me over a half century ago, I can guarantee you that lasts only about half a Coca-Cola.
Of course, I wouldn’t dare get involved in something like that TV show for fear the Royal Canadian Mounties would place my name on some terrorist list. But if I had, I would first explain there are two Adrian Petersons who are football players and, in my fumble-fingered way, I had a brain spasm when I recalled the one who played at Georgia Southern rather than the Oklahoma star. For the record, the guy with the switch was once a Sooner.
Of course, no one would have cared about that, particularly in Canada, so in an effort to play to the viewers and light up the telephones I would have then decreed, “I can honestly say I have spanked more adult females than I have children. That’s true! I never spanked my kids or grandkids but I have dated some girls who have liked ‘a little spice with their salsa,’ if you know what I mean.”
I bet that would have gotten me back in the good with the Mounties!
The great majority of the females I tried to attract were very much ladies, gentle and prim and in no way were into “a playful swat” or two, but I’ll be bold enough to say there have been some nameless others who have had imaginations and aspirations far to the left of the vanilla. C’mon, we have to lighten up! And for every feminist who is getting ready to write me a mean letter I can safely predict the bookstores will sell 25 times more copies of “50 Shades of Grey” as than that email will mean to me.
Did you know over 100 million copies of the erotic book have now been sold in 52 languages? I’m told the movie trailer is one of the top sites on YouTube and one has almost 6 million views. Let’s face it, the actual book was a crummy read with poor literary reviews but it is the subject matter, don’t you see? Dozens of news articles claim the book has actually saved some marriages from going sour but three of life’s Top Ten rules are (a) never let anybody tie you up, (b) take your picture naked, or (c) do anything to you that you don’t consciously agree with.
Remember the scene in “Gone With The Wind” when Rhett Butler spanked Scarlett O’Hara? That charged up more people back in 1939 than it did when he told her, “Frankly, my dear …” And then there was the James Bond thriller “Thunderball,” about 50 years ago when the famed spy told Miss Moneypenny over the phone, "Next time I see you, I'll put you across my knee", to which the beautiful Moneypenny replied, "I can hardly wait!" as she raised her eyebrows just so.
For the record, I don’t believe the NFL has a huge problem with spouse abuse or players beating on little kids. I mean it. Sure, the NFL just hired three more people to “counsel” players on hitting women but it is far deeper than that in our society. I think it happens just as much at General Motors, IBM, Coca-Cola and other huge corporations. Go to Sessions Court any day and see for yourself – we have some real pros in this town – and race, wealth, gender or background have little to do with it.
Domestic abuse is nothing to joke about. It is a sick part of our society and a huge reason we need to educate our kids that hitting people is wrong unless it makes ‘em a little randy. Personally, I don’t like to get hit for the same reason I don’t have any tattoos – I already have too many scars and not a one has been any fun.
Finally, the producer from ESPN Canada had a fantastic line in his plea to be a mainliner: “I’m unsure if there is a (TV) studio with satellite capabilities in Chattanooga.” Lordy, what Chattanooga needs is a better reputation.
royexum@aol.com