Roy Exum
The college football season will begin this Thursday night and the game’s opening weekend will carry over every night but, just as surely as the swallows return to Capistrano, the water-fountain insults, the good-natured ribbing, and the jabs between rival fans will not wait that long.
So with a list of one-liners so old they are stale, here are some of the best lines you will hear as kickoff is less than a week away:
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Georgia Coach Mark Richt on one of his players: "He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't know the meaning of a lot of other words, either."
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Why do Tennessee fans wear orange? So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.
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What does the average Florida player get on his SATs? Drool.
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How many Missouri freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb? None -- That's a sophomore course.
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How did the Mississippi State football player die from drinking milk? The cow fell on him.
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Two Vanderbilt football players were walking in the woods. One of them said, "Look, a dead bird." The other looked up in the sky and said, "Where?"
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A Kentucky football player was almost killed yesterday in a tragic horseback-riding accident. He fell from a horse and was nearly trampled to death. Luckily, the manager of the Wal-Mart came out and unplugged the horse.
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What do you say to a Georgia football player dressed in a three-piece suit? "Will the defendant please rise?"
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If three Ole Miss football players are in the same car, who is driving? The police officer.
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How can you tell if an Auburn football player has a girlfriend? There's tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.
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What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room? A full set of teeth.
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University of South Carolina coach Steve Spurrier is only going to dress half of his players for the game this Thursday night -- the other half will have to dress themselves.
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How is the Arkansas football team like an opossum? They play dead at home and get killed on the road.
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Why did the LSU linebacker steal a police car? He saw "911" on the side and thought it was a Porsche.
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How do you get a former Alabama football player off your porch? Pay him for the pizza.
royexum@aol.com