Roy Exum
Hark! Today the official Christmas Party season begins and over the next 10 days you are going to need a pocket full of holly and enough holiday jokes to go with it. My hope is that this collection will equip you with enough merriment that will last through the annual office Christmas party where you catch up with people you haven’t seen in the last 30 minutes.
These are some of my favorites:
* * *
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at The Pearly Gates.
“In honor of this Holy Season, you will each be admitted if you possess s
omething that symbolizes Christmas.”
The first guy fumbled through his pockets until he found a lighter. Flicking up the flame, he said it reminded him of a candle. Saint Peter was pleased and he went through the gate.
The second guy also fumbled through his pockets, finally pulling out a ring of keys and shaking them wildly, telling Saint Peter it sounded like bells. He too was admitted.
The third guy looked dumb-founded until he pulled out a pair of women’s glasses. Saint Peter looked curious and the guy explained, “They are Carol’s!”
* * *
After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.
"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.
She showed him a bottle costing $50.
"That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.
"That’s still quite a bit," Tom groused.
Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.
Tom grew agitated, "What I mean," he said, "is I'd like to see something real cheap.”
So the clerk handed him a mirror.
* * *
A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.
After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles."
"She did," he replied. "But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?"
* * *
A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm...that's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are 20 $1 bills."
The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."
* * *
Maria went to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
“What denomination?” asked Steve, the clerk.
“Oh! Good heavens! Have we come to this?” said Maria, “Well, give me 50 Methodist and 50 Presbyterian ones, please.”
* * *
How do you know Santa has to be a man? No woman is going to wear the same outfit year after year.
* * *
One beautiful December evening in Hawaii, Huan Cho and his girlfriend, Jung Lee were sitting by the side of the ocean. There was a romantic full moon, and Huan Cho said, "Hey baby, let's play Weeweechu."
"Oh no, not now. Lets just look at the moon," said the beautiful Jung Lee.
"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I play Weeweechu! I love you and it's the perfect time," Huan Cho begged.
"But I had rather just hold your hand and watch the moon."
"Please Jung Lee, just once ... play Weeweechu with me."
Jung Lee looked at Huan Chi and said, "OK, we'll play Weeweechu."
Huan Cho grabbed his ukulele and they both sang, “Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year!"
* * *
Just before Christmas, two brothers were spending the night at their grandma's house. At bed time, they knelt down to say their prayers.
As they closed their eyes, one boy said in a loud voice, "Dear Lord, please ask Santa Claus to bring me a WiFi, a telescope and a new bike."
His older brother said, "Why are you shouting? God isn't deaf."
"I know," said his brother, "but Grandma is!”
* * *
There were two blondes who went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree.
After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"
* * *
A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping center was packed, and as the wife walked through one of the malls, she was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and she became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.
In a quiet voice he said, "Do you remember the jewelers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I do remember that shop."
He replied, "Well, I'm in the bar right next door."
* * *
The game show contestant was only 200 points behind the leader and was about to answer the final question -- worth 500 points!
"To be today's champion," the show's smiling host intoned, "name two of Santa's reindeer."
The contestant, a man in his early thirties, gave a sigh of relief, gratified that he had drawn such an easy question. "Rudolph!" he said confidently, "and ... Olive!"
The studio audience started to applaud (which the little sign above their heads said to do), but the clapping quickly faded into mumbling. The confused host replied, "Yes, we'll accept Rudolph, but could you please explain 'Olive'?"
"You know," the man circled his hand forward impatiently and began to sing, “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows … ‘Olive,’ the other reindeer...”
* * *
A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?" The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made."
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"
The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."
royexum@aol.com