Roy Exum: Thanksgiving Conversations

  • Tuesday, November 25, 2014
  • Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

I am not predicting this will happen but I have known it to occur – in the middle of the Thanksgiving feast there will come a lull in the conversation and you can save the day if you’ll immediately look at the person to your right and ask, “What is the smartest thing you ever heard somebody say?”

It is an easy thing, because we all love wisdom, and the ploy comes to mind because several weeks ago I came upon my “newest” favorite quotation. I don’t know who said it but this one is brilliant. “Always be able to locate your clothes and your weapons in the dark.” That sure beats the Boy Scout’s motto: “Be prepared.”

So, with the stage now set, here are some other quotes that I guarantee will bring a reaction from the most stilted face at the table:

“Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.” -- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

“I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.' -- Eleanor Roosevelt

“Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement.” -- Mark Twain

“The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. -- George Burns

“Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.” -- Victor Borge

“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” -- Mark Twain

“By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.” – Socrates

“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” -- Groucho Marx

“My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.” -- Jimmy Durante

“I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.” -- Zsa Zsa Gabor

“Only Irish Coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.” -- Alex Levine

“My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.” -- Rodney Dangerfield

“Money can't buy you happiness .... but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.” -- Spike Milligan

“Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was ‘Shut Up.’” -- Joe Namath

“I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.” -- Bob Hope

“I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.” -- W. C. Fields

“We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.” -- Will Rogers

“Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.” -- Winston Churchill

“Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ... but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.” -- Phyllis Diller

“By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.” – Billy Crystal.

 * * *

"ELEVEN HINTS FOR LIFE"

1. It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return. But what is more painful is to love someone and never find the courage to let that person know how you feel.

2. A sad thing in life is when you meet someone who means a lot to you, only to find out in the end that it was never meant to be and you just have to let go.

3. The best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had.

4. It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.

5. It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone -- but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.

6. Don't go for looks, they can deceive. Don't go for wealth, even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright.

7. Dream what you want to dream, go where you want to go, be what you want to be. Because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you want to do.

8. Always put yourself in the other's shoes. If you feel that it hurts you, it probably hurts the person too.

9. A careless word may kindle strife. A cruel word may wreck a life. A timely word may level stress. But a loving word may heal and bless.

10. The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.

11. Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, ends with a tear. When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so that when you die, you're the one smiling and everyone around you is crying.

- Unknown

* * *

Anyway, I hope you get the idea because a funny quote works like a champ!

royexum@aol.com

 

 

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