Roy Exum: What Men Know About Women

Sunday, April 14, 2013 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

It has been my experience the more I think I know about the opposite sex is more opposite from the truth than ever before. Conversely, if any woman believes they have men figured out, it will be a world first.

So during my readings the other day, I was reading the “Over 50” age-group page on Huffington Post and started laughing at a recent survey the writers had done of our best known males over 50 years old and asked them the one thing they had learned about women. Their replies were just delightful and, with the Masters golf tournament ready to spoil a gorgeous afternoon, allow me to present the ones that made me laugh – and that I most readily recognized.

* * *

 “I had a lot of jobs before I became an actor: chopped cotton, sold women’s shoes. One thing you learn about selling women’s shoes is that all women lie about their shoe size. All women. I mean all women. What is this horribly screwed up thing that women have been taught that large feet are unattractive?” -- George Cooney

* * *

“Don’t count out the average-looking woman, or even maybe the slightly unattractive woman, or the unattractive woman.” – Billly Bob Thornton.

* * *

“Women are smart but they still like to be hot.” – Alan Thicke

* * *

“When I turned 50 it horrified me when I realized the woman living next door when I was growing up, the Mrs. Robinson who I watched undress from my bedroom window, was now 80 years old. – Alan Zweibel

* * *

“You can stay in with her on Saturday night, and not feel like the two of you are missing anything – because you have done it all before.” – Al DeLuise

* * *

“Sometimes I look at the women on the magazine covers in the market and they all look alike: new this, new that, top this – forget it.” – Robert Redford

* * *

“When it’s over for a woman, it’s over. You are not getting an appeal.” – Jack Nicholson

* * *

“Women don’t like needy men. Inattentive? Of course. Forgetful? Hardly, rare. Insensitive? Occasionally, sure … inattentive? Did I already say that? But needy and whiney don’t stand a chance. Besides, if a woman wants to hear that she has an old college friend she can call … or an ex-husband.” – Bill Kelley

* * *

“Women don’t want to hear what you think. They want to hear what they think, only in a deeper voice.” – Bill Cosby

* * *

“I think women who know a little about life are the most interesting. I think people in the 60s don’t have anything to envy from those in their 20s.” -- Pierce Bronsan

* * *

“Never tell your wife she’s lousy in bed – she’ll go out and get a second opinion. – Rodney Dangerfield

* * *

“Women are a Beautiful complication. And I look forward to more beauties and more complications.” – Keith Richards.

* * *

“There is only a certain number of times a woman wants to see you and not go out for dinner. I got tired of arguing with women about going out and having dinners so I hired somebody to cook. The food is better at my house.” – Jack Nicholson.

* * *

“Unless you are trying to enrage someone, don’t tell a woman to ‘relax’ or ‘calm down’ when she is upset. Even a nun might take a swing at you. Don’t tell her to ‘chill’ either. You’ll come off as a boob, a 55-year-old who wears a scarf with a tee-shirt.” -- Bill Kelley

* * *

“If you want to talk over a problem with someone, I always call a woman.” Billy Bob Thornton

* * *

“I never looked for a woman. When I was a teenager, perhaps, but they are looking for us and we must learn that very quickly. They decide. We just turn up. Forget the superficialities – tall and handsome and all that. Just turn up. They will do the rest.” – Peter O’Toole

* * *

“When dating a woman in her 50s, chances are they are going to have children. Whereas when we were younger, and you had to worry about her parent’s approval, now you have to worry about her children’s approval – and there could be more than two.” – Al Deluise

* * *

“Women want to find one Mr. Right and men want to find all the dream girls they can get their hands on.” – Bill O’Reilly

* * *

“Always marry a woman from Texas. No matter how tough things get, she has seen tougher...” – Dan Rather

 * * *

”I stand behind what a friend of mine once said, ‘The only way for a successful relationship to exist, at a fundamental level, the man has to be scared (expletive) of her or it ain’t going to work.” – Dustin Hoffman

* * *

“To be married in our profession is a difficult thing. There’s too many beautiful people around, interesting people. It’s just a matter of really having … being faithful and having the capacity and faith of falling in love with your own wife again. That happens to me.” – Antonio Banderas

* * *

“Discussing restaurants, dishes and desserts is safe but food is a dangerous area. Never say, “Are you going to finish all of that? Or “You must have been super-hungry.’ Or, as a buddy said when his girlfriend asked why he didn’t get her a McFurry, “Because you don’t McNeed it.” (Despite this, they are still married. 10 years.”) – Bill Kelley

* * *

“There is no secret to a successful marriage. I love my wife. More than that, I really like her.” – Sting

* * *

“It’s not women who are tough. It’s life.” – Elliott Gould

* * *

“They expect we’ll make smart decisions. Stupid behavior is assumed to be behind us.” – Alan Thicke

* * *

“Indeed, men over 50 are appealing because they can be trusted; they’ve already done their lying and cheating and other little-boy nonsense and genuinely appreciate the company of a good woman who, by definition, is probably a lot better than he deserves.” – Alan Thicke

* * *

“A sense of humor is a major aphrodisiac. I am certainly an average-looking guy but I have had some very attractive women in my life. I could always make them laugh.” – Larry King.

royexum@aol.com

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


Roy Exum: Dr. Tydings Is A Winner

One week from tomorrow the most important educator in the future of our community will start work as the new president of Chattanooga State. While I am normally cynical of beard-strokers and foundation-hungry dreamers who have little or no concept of the real world, I am convinced Flora Tydings will become the best thing to happen in our community in years. A grandmother with ... (click for more)

Roy Exum: Fourth Of July, 2015

As one who is about good and fed up with being “socially correct” so less than 10 percent of us can dictate how the other 90 percent of us ought to think, I am going to pause today in order to share a wonderfully fun email that has been around for a while. It is aptly called, “You Could Have Heard A Pin Drop.” Before I do, I got a sweet note the other day from my dear friend ... (click for more)

11 Attorneys Apply In 2nd Round For Replacing Judge Stern

Eleven attorneys have applied in the second round of applications to replace Rebecca Stern as judge of Criminal Court's Division II. The applicants are: Christian J. Coder Chattanooga Tracy Cox Signal Mountain Amanda B. Dunn Chattanooga Ardena Juanita Garth Chattanooga Thomas Clifton Greenholtz Ooltewah Andrea DeFay Hayduk ... (click for more)

Rep. McCormick Says Forrest Made His Wealth As A Slave Trader

Rep. Gerald McCormick, commenting on a bust of Nathan Bedford Forrest that stands in the Tennessee statehouse in an address to the Pachyderm club on Monday, said that Forrest was a violent, vicious man who made his wealth as a slave trader.   The copper bust of Forrest, who was a lieutenant general in the Confederate Army, stands between the Tennessee House and ... (click for more)

Chattanooga FC Clinches Southeast Division Title

The Chattanooga Football Club clinched the Southeast Division title Saturday night before a crowd of 4,000 plus fans and celebrated with fireworks after the game.  Chattanooga beat visiting Nashville FC 2-0.   Matt Aldred scored the first goal in the 27th minute and Jack Hopkins scored the second goal in the 85th minute.  Chattanooga will host the conference ... (click for more)

TSWA Announces All-State Soccer Teams

 The Tennessee Sports Writers Association recently announced its all-state high school soccer teams. THE TEAMS        TSWA All State Boys’ Soccer teams Class AAA Nathan Djona, Antioch junior forward Avery Cowan, Brentwood senior midfielder Johnny Heckman, Centennial senior midfielder Nick Zalewski, Sr., Cookeville ... (click for more)