Roy Exum: Emails: Funny, But Oh, So Sad

Saturday, January 12, 2013 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

I get gobs of funny emails every day, but among those that came this week, were two that stood out in particular. They were meant to be funny, a little satire if you please, but pretend for a moment you are me, and ask yourself why I didn’t laugh.

* * *

THE EMAIL OF THE YEAR:

After being interviewed by the school administration, the prospective teacher said: ‘Let me see if I've got this right. You want me to go into that room with all those kids, correct their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress habits, censor their T-shirt messages, and instill in them a love for learning.

'You want me to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self-esteem and personal pride.

You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, and how to register to vote, balance a checkbook, and apply for a job.

'You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs of antisocial behavior, and make sure that they all pass the final exams. You also want me to provide them with an equal education regardless of their handicaps, and communicate regularly with their parents in English, Spanish or any other language, by letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card.

'You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard, a bulletin board, a few books, a big smile, and a starting salary that qualifies me for food stamps.

'You want me to do all this, and then you tell me … I CAN'T PRAY?'

* * *

The next email that came showed a picture of an elderly lady laughing real hard as she pointed a pistol. The caption read …

MEDICARE PART X – The New Senior Program

“You're a sick senior citizen and the government says there is no nursing home available for you. So what do you do? Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and four bullets. You are allowed to shoot four politicians of your choice.

“Of course, this means you will be sent to prison where you will get three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating, air conditioning and all the health care you need! Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That’s great. Need a new hip, knees, kidney, lungs or heart? They’re all covered.

“As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you as often as they do now. And who will be paying for all of this? It’s the same government that just told you that they cannot afford for you to go into a home.

“And you can get rid of four useless politicians while you are at it. Plus, and because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income taxes anymore.

“Is this a great country or what?”

* * *

Who would have ever thought there would come a day when the only thing we can do is laugh about stuff like this?

royexum@aol.com


Thomas Gage, Not Cage

Re:  Roy Exum: Why The British Attacked   Dear Roy,  I think you'll find it was Thomas Gage, not "Cage" - a fact I learned at Sunnyside School. Thomas Cage is a company that sells avian supplies.  Lonnie Hatmaker (click for more)

Some Get It Wrong On Christians, The Inquisition And The Crusades

Some in the media, along with our President, have recently been accusing those who led the Crusades of being the worst mass murderers in history.  Conservative estimates cite approximately 1.7 million who were killed in the Crusades over a period of 200 years.  That would be 6,000 deaths a year.  As for the Inquisition, a total of about 3,000 were judged and sentenced ... (click for more)

Chattanooga Area Bracing For Possibility Of Strong Tornadoes

The Chattanooga area on Saturday was bracing for the possibility of strong tornadoes coming in from the West. The National Weather Service issued this Hazardous Weather Outlook: AN OUTBREAK OF SEVERE THUNDERSTORM IS EXPECTED THIS EVENING AND EARLY TONIGHT ACROSS THE TENNESSEE VALLEY AND SOUTHERN APPALACHIAN REGION ALONG AND AHEAD OF A COLD FRONT. DANGEROUS DAMAGING WINDS ... (click for more)

State Attorney General Says City Council Cannot Make Taxis Not Registered In Hamilton County Go Through Emissions Testing

The state attorney general's office has ruled that the City Council cannot require that taxis not registered in Hamilton County go through emissions testing. The city is dealing with the new Uber taxi service that has an out-of-town owner. Locally-owned cabs have to go through the annual emissions testing. The opinion says that local taxi owners cannot get around the emissions ... (click for more)

Hannah Wood Leads Red Bank To Two Tournament Wins

Friday was a pretty good day for the Red Bank Lionettes softball team. Hosting a six-team tournament, the Lionettes won two games on the opening day, holding off Lookout Valley by a 6-4 final in the first one before winning by a more comfortable 11-3 margin over Sequatchie County in the second one. Hannah Wood was the sparkplug in both as she had three hits twice and was the ... (click for more)

McCallie Soccer Remains Unbeaten With Win Over Rival Baylor

Hosting McCallie on Friday night, the Baylor soccer team knew that the first 15 minutes of the match would be key to a shot at upsetting its undefeated and top-ranked rival. The Red Raiders lasted 11 before the Blue Tornado struck.   McCallie opened the Division II-AA East/Middle Region match with high pressure, which paid off when Will McGregor finished a cross ... (click for more)