Roy Exum: Emails: Funny, But Oh, So Sad

Saturday, January 12, 2013 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

I get gobs of funny emails every day, but among those that came this week, were two that stood out in particular. They were meant to be funny, a little satire if you please, but pretend for a moment you are me, and ask yourself why I didn’t laugh.

* * *

THE EMAIL OF THE YEAR:

After being interviewed by the school administration, the prospective teacher said: ‘Let me see if I've got this right. You want me to go into that room with all those kids, correct their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress habits, censor their T-shirt messages, and instill in them a love for learning.

'You want me to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self-esteem and personal pride.

You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, and how to register to vote, balance a checkbook, and apply for a job.

'You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs of antisocial behavior, and make sure that they all pass the final exams. You also want me to provide them with an equal education regardless of their handicaps, and communicate regularly with their parents in English, Spanish or any other language, by letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card.

'You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard, a bulletin board, a few books, a big smile, and a starting salary that qualifies me for food stamps.

'You want me to do all this, and then you tell me … I CAN'T PRAY?'

* * *

The next email that came showed a picture of an elderly lady laughing real hard as she pointed a pistol. The caption read …

MEDICARE PART X – The New Senior Program

“You're a sick senior citizen and the government says there is no nursing home available for you. So what do you do? Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and four bullets. You are allowed to shoot four politicians of your choice.

“Of course, this means you will be sent to prison where you will get three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating, air conditioning and all the health care you need! Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That’s great. Need a new hip, knees, kidney, lungs or heart? They’re all covered.

“As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you as often as they do now. And who will be paying for all of this? It’s the same government that just told you that they cannot afford for you to go into a home.

“And you can get rid of four useless politicians while you are at it. Plus, and because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income taxes anymore.

“Is this a great country or what?”

* * *

Who would have ever thought there would come a day when the only thing we can do is laugh about stuff like this?

royexum@aol.com


How To Be #ChattanoogaStrong

Chattanooga is my home; I was born here 35 years ago. Without a doubt, this has been one of the most challenging times in our city's history. The #ChattanoogaStrong hashtag will remain for quite some time, but it means so much more than 18 characters on social media. It represents the sorrow and mourning, as well as the resilience and compassion, of our exceptional community.  ... (click for more)

Roy Exum: Navy Denies Any Charges

UPDATE: A spokesman for the U.S. Navy on Sunday denied reports that disciplinary charges will be filed against Lt. Cmdr. Timothy White for discharging an unauthorized weapon on federal property.   According to a post of Facebook and other social media sites, a statement reads, “Stories of Navy personnel being charges with an offense are not true. There is still a long way ... (click for more)

Truck Driver Who Caused Wreck That Killed 6 People At Ooltewah Indicted On 13 Charges

The Chattanooga Police Department has issued a capias for the arrest of Benjamin Brewer, 39, concerning the multiple fatality traffic crash that occurred on I-75 North Bound on June 25. Brewer was indicted on Monday on 13 counts.  They are:  six counts for vehicular homicide by impairment, a B-felony; four counts for reckless aggravated assault, a D-felony; one count ... (click for more)

$40 Million Traffic Improvement Set To Connect Hamilton Place More Directly With I-75 And Ease Congestion On Shallowford Road

The city, state and CBL & Associates are cooperating on a $40 million plan to make the Hamilton Place section more accessible to Interstate 75. The upcoming project will provide a direct connection for southbound I-75 traffic with Hamilton Place Boulevard. The project will also provide a new connection for those on Hamilton Place Boulevard to enter I-75 northbound. ... (click for more)

NPSL Championship To Be Played In Chattanooga

The National Premier Soccer League’s National Championship will be held in Chattanooga, Tennessee, the league announced Monday.  The match will take place at Finley Stadium on Saturday, August 8th at 7:30 pm ET.     “We felt that having the match in Chattanooga was best for the league,” NPSL Chairman Joe Barone commented.  “It will provide us with the maximum ... (click for more)

Lookouts Roll Over Generals Sunday, 8-2

Jackson, Tenn. - The Lookouts took an 8-2 victory at The Ballpark at Jackson in the series opener. On the mound for the Lookouts on Sunday was left-hander Brett Lee looking for his second win of the year in the Southern League. He tossed the first six innings without allowing a run, scattering five hits and a walk with four strikeouts to end up with the win. Chattanooga took ... (click for more)